Baby Diary

This is a special birthday present that pales in comparison to anything money can buy.

It has been three years since my daughter was diagnosed with depression, and it has come and gone intermittently.

We've faced countless black dog attacks together, walked down road together to seek medical attention, been knocked down and down again and again, and risen again and again in desperation.

I regretted cruel upbringing I gave my daughter earlier, and blamed myself for a mother who thought that child was doing well, but in fact was chasing vanity.

After my daughter began to figure out why she was sick, she often remembered some of things her mother did to her when she was a child: she was punished for standing facing wall and thinking about her mistakes, and she was not allowed to leave. before time; Endless oral calculations; when her father beat her, her mother never seemed to come out to protect her.

Faced with my daughter's accusations, I was speechless. When I saw my daughter's diagnosis report, I was struck by five lightning bolts, and sky was torn apart, and I experienced heart-piercing pain.

For past three years, I have been blaming myself, trying in every way to seek emergency medical care for my daughter, and at same time hoping that my daughter will soon recover and return to school to resume normal studies and life.

At same time, he did not forget to point his finger at father of child who was absent in "inactivity". As for dad, he feels that he gave his daughter a good material life, so what else is she to be depressed about?

If I have to be responsible, it's because I spoiled child, or child is too fragile, weak and hypocritical. My daughter was depressed and our family went into extreme anxiety, tension and panic.

When my daughter is in a bad mood, she blames, complains, and even hates so-called love that her parents gave her as a child, often locks herself in her room and refuses to come out.

My husband and I blamed each other, coldly and furiously.

For three years, we also insisted on drug treatment and counseling for our daughter. However, there are no signs of a stable improvement in child's condition.

In early May, I hesitated and bought Crossover book, then logged into official Transit account, and then logged into Transit parent class. There I saw a lot of parents who were stuck in a quagmire just like me, and learned that many children suffer from depression. There are several free social classes that can give parents advice and help. Parents in group also comfort each other, encourage each other, and learn from each other. The group also has teachers who answer questions. Then I met three teachers of ringing trio.

Since then, I have finally felt that I no longer fight alonepoint, and gradually realized a deeper problem: parental anxiety will be passed on to children!

The more parents worry, more children worry. Only when parents are not worried can children relax. If child wants to get better, parents should let go of anxiety and establish a good parent-child relationship with child. But how can parents get rid of anxiety?

After two months of immersing myself in a classroom of parents and a resonant teacher group of three, I finally understand that parents need to let go of their anxiety, first of all, they need to learn to improve, learn to listen to their children and see what lies behind their emotions. It is necessary to empathize with children's pain, accept children's emotions, provide support and assistance to child.

For past two months, I've been studying and practicing at same time, and I obviously feel like I'm not so worried anymore. When faced with my daughter's mood swings, I no longer feel nervous and panicky like I used to, and even want to run away.

But try to empathize with her feelings, accept her emotional outbursts, pick up your crumbling daughter, do your best to give her every support and express unwavering motherly love for her.

Perhaps because of my changes, my daughter is spending more time out of room and interacting with me more and more.

A few days ago, on my birthday, I unexpectedly received best gift from my daughter - a letter

MOM:

You always praise my lyrics without hesitation, and I accept them with smugness. But now I'm really a little ashamed. As for you, I don't know how to write for a while. I am looking for only one thing in relationships between people, and I do not regret anything in my soul.

But it's not always easy, and to be honest, I've been pretty bad at it too. So much so that I still feel sorry for many people. But just one person, I can't sum up apology. Can't deal with it, let alone make up for it, and can't even apologize.

I think that when I grow up, I will make a lot of money, take her on a trip far, far away and accompany her to paint oil paintings in a lavender field, which is enough to repay her and thank her.

But these sudden three years have directly disrupted course of my life.

I know it's slowly getting out of hand, and maybe no matter what I do, I can no longer repay and thank, let alone apologize. What's even sadder is that I keep making mistakes and asking her for it. It's too bad, right? Mother.

Now I can no longer blame you and dad for losing your temper, and I can no longer discuss secrets of world with you. What should I do? I know very well that I am definitely not a carefree child.

If you speak beautifully, you are very assertive, but if you speak badly, you are lawless. Problem child, maybeuh, posing a little.

But it was such a baby, you kept her by your side and took good care of her. Let her be by your side and she cannot grow in a haphazard way.

When she realizes she has to do something for you, she has no idea what to do. You rejoice at her growth and shed tears because of some banal gift she sends. This gave her illusion that she was a good child, so she began to get worse and hated everyone.

You are your first mother, and I am your first child. Obviously, we didn't get along very well from start. I'm still a little offended by angry words you said back then. And I lost my temper, I still remember and feel guilty.

Do you know why I always hated it when you read books about my illness?

It made me feel infinitely guilty, and I knew I had nothing more to reciprocate or thank for. It worries me, but you keep casually telling me that everything is fine.

But I can no longer feel at ease like I used to, even if you've told me countless times that you don't care.

Mom, do you remember what I told you? You are unlike any mother I have ever interacted with. I don't know if other mothers will take their daughters to video game city to play games at night, and I don't know if other mothers will take their daughters on a trip to Beijing.

These desires and impossibilities have come true all around you. Therefore, I always unconsciously mention my mother in conversations with others, telling them that my mother understands how I play games and supports me in what I want to do, even though her daughter cannot even get into secondary school.

Mom, I can't forget what you said that hurt me. But I also can't deny everything you've done for me. No one is perfect, how can you be exception? Of course, I'm not a so-called good boy.

"I love your mother, I love my mother, who belongs only to me. Let's meet life, old age, sickness and death, poverty and sickness together, and let's go to see a thousand rivers and a thousand mountains and great mountains and rivers together .Let's work together in future, Mom"

"Happy birthday mom!"

I've read this many times with tears in my eyes, and I'm grateful. The daughter said that when she was a child, she wrote essays about her mother, and they were all superficial and positive. This time she felt that she was expressing her love and hatred for her mother in most sincere way.

I was so touched that I cried again. I thought that rocking parent-child relationship between us in last few years, love and hate, is reconciliation.

Thanks to my daughter for her special birthday present, which also gives me strength and gives me more courage and motivation to move forward.

The future has arrived, life can no longer take me by surprise, but let's see how II react to life. My daughter and I made a promise: we should travel to places far, far away and also paint oil paintings in a lavender field!