Baby Diary

About a day after National Day in 2019, a high school first grader suddenly stopped on his way to school and said to me very seriously and frightened, "Mom, I don't want to go to school. I'm really scared."

I was puzzled by sudden words of child: I don't want to go to school, I'm very afraid? ! The child stood in front of me in horror, rubbing his hands, looking at me nervously, as if expecting punishment. This look of helplessness and fear is still clearly remembered. I feel puzzled and puzzled. A child who has always behaved well-mannered and reasonable, his academic performance is not bad, and he has never heard any complaints from a child at school, and teacher does not have such reviews. Why does he suddenly not want to go to school?

"Baby, what happened?" I asked with concern.

"No," child said in a low voice.

"Why don't you want to go to school all of a sudden?" I asked carefully.

"It wasn't all of a sudden, it was for many days, but I just didn't dare to say it. Today I'm afraid that if I don't say anything, I'll find a way to go home when I go to school, or it will happen something bad,” child said with difficulty and pain.

It suddenly seemed to me that I was thinking about something. The child has indeed become a bit quiet lately. He lowers his head when he comes home from school and looks lethargic. Initially, a lively and cheerful child seemed to change unconsciously.

I have a bad feeling: is baby sick? I asked child: Where do you feel uncomfortable? are you ill? We can take a break to visit doctor.

However, child told me: she does not know what is wrong, she does not seem to have any discomfort in her body, but she is afraid and afraid, and she is nervous and uncomfortable all time. She refused to go to hospital because she thought she was fine. I just don't want to go to school.

I feel child's pain and I want to protect him. But right now, if you don't go to school, how can you ask teacher for time off? If you don't go to school, how can you tell your child's father that child doesn't want to go to school? If you don't go home, where will you go all day? I was afraid of teacher, I was afraid of child's father... I was suddenly more frightened than ever before. Also at that moment I felt fear of child. So, I made a decision: today we will ask teacher to say that we are not feeling well and will not go to school, while we will pretend that we are going to school without telling father of child. I want to take my child to skip a lesson for day, I want to know what happened to child, why is he afraid to go to school?

That day child was carrying a briefcase and we took bus to library. The children are doing their homework in library, and I am looking for books to read.

I try to communicate with child, trying to understand changes in child.

"Darling, did you say that you haven't wanted to go to school for a few days? Are you scared at school?"

"Yes, I feel like I can't listen to class, II feel that my classmates will say something about me, and I don’t want to talk to classmates, I feel that I am alone ... But, I have to pretend that I have nothing, and They are together, but I really don’t by yourself, can you understand this feeling? No, you can't understand..."

"Every night I think about going to school tomorrow and I feel anxious and afraid so I can't sleep and I have to stay up very late every night."

"I'm afraid to go home too, I'm afraid to tell you that I don't want to go to school, I know that you can't accept it, and you won't agree, especially dad"

…

Listening to statement of child, I really can not believe that all this is true, and I do not understand how it happened?

I was wondering why this is happening? I can not find slightest reason, on other hand, I was seized with even greater fear, how can I explain all this to father of child, he is so stubborn, how can he trust child, and how can I communicate with caregiver about child? Pain in soul. ..

Even today, I took my child to play truant, and I still have not recovered - I actually allowed and even agreed with my child to skip lesson! I'm nervous and afraid, I'm afraid that something will come out, I'm afraid that today's "unreasonable" behavior will be discovered by teacher and child's father, and then they will blame me and child. I'm sure they won't believe their child's words, they won't understand their child's pain, and they won't be able to feel their child's feelings.

"Baby, you know? I'm really scared right now too. I don't know how to look your father in eyes when I get back, and how to tell him about our behavior today and your situation." was same in front of my children. Powerless and helpless.

"You know? Mom, you only feel this way today, and I, I have been experiencing such fear every day lately, I'm afraid I can't stand it anymore," child said. vaguely explain. My heart was again deeply wounded by child's words.

When it was time to leave school, we took bus home.

"Mom, thank you today, thank you for letting me skip classes, thank you for skipping classes with me. I guess only my mom can do such things to help children skip classes. I feel better , Tomorrow I will go to school."

Listening to words of child, I did not relax, on contrary, I felt that everything was just beginning.