Baby Diary

During years when my daughter was sick, I saw most of all her emotional outbursts, extreme and extreme knowledge, as well as her unreasonable and arbitrary behavior, and various suffering and pain caused by it.

When emotions come, she either becomes irritable or depressed: when irritable, she loses her temper inexplicably, which manifests itself in screaming, throwing things, hysteria; She blamed us, found fault with us, said that it was our fault that she was sick, and all this was caused by our wrong methods of education; when she was depressed, she locked herself in room most of time or just cried quietly, or ripped pieces of paper all over room, or drew some sharp black pictures, or wrote down emotions of that time in her diary, it was so depressed, negative, painful and hopelessly, or scratched my hand and watched it bleed, Then carefully wiped blood and treated wound. Disinfectant, cotton swabs, band-aids, gauze and bandages are all prepared by her online shopping... She also said again and again that she was too tired, too sick and did not want to live anymore, and life was pointless...

In face of my daughter's extreme and extreme knowledge, I often have to blame and correct her. I always worry that such knowledge will affect her values ​​and outlook on life and lead her astray.

And her unreasonable and arbitrary behavior often leaves me helpless. I remember one night, as we were walking along street, she suddenly reached out her hand and knocked over stools placed in roadside restaurant; she often walked aimlessly alone to city bus; takeaway food must be ordered with meals; go to school if you want to go and don't go if you don't want to go; say hello if you want, ignore if you don't want to answer, and like those strange two-dimensional things...

At first I tried to understand her and ignore her. Later, I lost patience, coupled with pressure from all sides, I stopped her, corrected her and passionately wanted to save child. Later I accepted her, allowed her, respected her, supported her and encouraged her.

So, just last week I received a gift from my daughter - a diary of her essay called "Black Dog, Butterfly and Me":

"I'm just sick", I can't remember how many times I explained it to others... Silence, doubts, riddles, expressions like that... I can't help but ask myself: How many times do I have to listen again to "Don't think too much" how many times you have to look at strange eyes of your classmates.

I yearn for salvation, I pray for revival.

I don't like to talk about pain, but let me show you some darkness right now. Do you know what it's like to drown? From a hard struggle at beginning to a constant drain of energy, but further and further from shore, staring helplessly at a place where I cannot return, helplessly letting my body sink a little. He could see light clearlyon water, but could no longer reach out. Crying, desperate and involuntarily falling into a darker abyss.

Yes, these are my three years, these are my 1230 days until today. I suffer and take offense - why me! Why does it have to be me? ! Am I doing something wrong? No! ! Then why don't you let me go! ! I have always listened to my parents! I have never done anything wrong to anyone! ! Why? ? Cries and cries, does not want to.

If I don't get sick in 2019, then I can go to school, take graduation photos with my good friends, go to a normal high school, and then go to university I like to fulfill my dream... so and should be!

And now I can't stand around my friends because I'm out of school and repeating; I can't go to school because drugs make it almost impossible to keep my head down; ... endless sorrow has left ugly, caterpillar scars on my arms...

Butterfly, butterfly will eventually break out of its cocoon and be reborn.

That's what I thought when I first gently stroked these cocoon-like scars. Yes, yes, if it is like a cocoon, is there a butterfly in it? ! Unbearable, ugly cocoons can hide beautiful butterflies! ! Ha ha... So maybe beauty is hidden in my wounds! !

The sun illuminates my open wound. “There is a crack in everything, light penetrates there!” The wound is like me when I'm sick, I see another sun in pain! I no longer cover up these scars, if there is more sun, then "butterflies" will come out earlier.

"I'm fine"! I first thought about it on 1000th day of my illness. It turns out that 1000 days have passed, and 1000 days he was chased and bitten by a black dog! I'm still running, haven't I given up yet? ...

Of course, I have always retained character to quit smoking despite difficulties, but this time I walked such a difficult and painful path for so long! Yes, I've lasted so long! I don't want to give up! Rana is also good! No matter pain! I don't want to stop here!

As long as you are alive, road will continue. Don't you want to see it? A butterfly in a cocoon, a forest fire in a field, tomorrow's sun!

The thorns on road scratched my legs, and blood remained on these thorns. They hurt me, tried to hold me back, and I answered “no” with blood.

Those who hurt me but cannot kill me will become my strength in future! I never doubted it!

"I'm just sick, I'll get better soon!"

I read my daughter's article in one breath, with mixed feelings that cannot be expressed in words. My heart aches for times of fear, despair and pain my daughter endured alone, and I am touched by her perseverance and courage. My eyes filled with tears and I was so excited.

My little one, you worked hard - it turns out that in those days when you were chased by black dogs, you ran, persevered, fought hard and never gave up. It turns out that what you experienced is much harder and more painful than whatwhat your mother saw. It turns out that you are so tenacious. At same time, Mom also saw that your self-acceptance and your inner strength were starting to improve.

"Everything has a crack through which light enters!"

"Those who hurt me but cannot kill me will become my strength in future!"

I'm deeply moved by this.

Bless you, my baby, mommy loves you forever!