Baby Diary

Father is a very formal title without any emotion, I think. However, I can only address him by this title.

It is now July 17, 2021 at 9:51 PM.

Our family of three was "watching TV" on couch. Today my father returned home from a business trip. When it comes to watching TV, everyone really has their own thoughts. My father watches Douyin, my mother watches TV, and I am writing these words.

What role does father play in family? The books I read told me this: “A father is loving, strict, and backbone of family…he loves family and is willing to silently contribute to family.” This is different from my understanding...

I'm... afraid of him.

"If I get close to him, it will definitely hurt."

This is my 15 year experience. I was still very young at time and I couldn't understand his expression or hear emotion in his tone. That's why I always do inappropriate actions at wrong time, and I don't know why when I get scolded... As I grew up a little, I found that he really likes children with good grades.

Is this time when I failed exam and was found by my parents, and my father, who was smiling and talking with teacher a few minutes ago, slapped me right after leaving school? Or when I handed him a failed test and saw his disappointed and disgusted eyes? Or when he walked away from me on way home and said I was embarrassing him? Or when I accidentally fell asleep doing my homework and he hit me...

I still understand that he doesn't like me, doesn't like me like that. It seems that no matter what I do, I can't get his satisfaction. Even if he was praised at one time, he will soon forget it. Deny me, pour cold water on me, in his eyes, it's a way to keep me grounded, because he thinks that I can't do it, not so much because he thinks, it's better to say that in his eyes, I'm nothing I can do, let alone what I can do well.

He's disappointed in me, and I know it. He has no expectations for my future and I know it. That was time I said I would work hard to make money for you and your mother when I grew up, but he said, "Forget it, it's good for you to support yourself and I don't count on you anymore." "; that was time he said "You, if I look like this, I don't like you or not, I'll just pretend I don't have you."

Thinking about it now, I'm still scared...

These memories are deeply rooted in my heart and time cannot erase them. I do not hate my father and have no right to hate him. People around me say that a filial son is born under a stick, that child will be successful, that it is for my own good ... my father loves me, he told me so, and these people also said that although my father is strict, he definitely loves Mine, I tell myself same.

But I still can't get rid of uhthat doubt, that fear. I was even afraid to go home, afraid to stay with him.

Because it must hurt.

It's all right, he's my father, he won't hurt me. I consoled myself so to very end that I can no longer say it to myself.

"As long as you're holding a mobile phone, you're definitely playing games. If you become addicted to games in future, you won't be able to do anything."

"Don't count on you."

"If you like shopping, go to mall and become a shopping guide. You might not even become a shopping guide."

"Can you cook? Think of something practical. How can you do that? I can't even understand. You're not even lying."

"Holding a test paper in my hands, I'm ashamed to look at it"

"Why don't you play with them? Do you also know that there is a gulf between you and them?"

This is my father.

You don't remember your father, do you? Of course I remember, and I also remember my father who had just bought me a pizza and said to me, "I'll pretend I didn't have you" as soon as I get home.

Later, I even worried that every time he was kind to me, there would be a storm in future. I slowly looked at his expression, listened to his tone to determine his mood, and then decided on my behavior in accordance with mood.

If you don't try to talk to him, how do you know everything will be all right? I have tried. I called him that evening to tell him that school was hard for me, and before I called, I had a psychological consultation. However, I still hope that he can understand me. His voice on phone was disappointed, he told me how hard it was for him, and how disappointed I was. I know I did unnecessary things.

It's already 11:15 pm

I'm in my little room, writing ending.

My father worked hard, he worked hard to earn money to feed his family...

After all, I can only call him

"Father..."

Although I prefer to call him

"Dad..."

Author Dao Yaer said: This is a diary written by her daughter two years ago, and it was buried deep in her heart. The relationship with my father has improved a lot over past six months, and she has also shared many insights into my father with me, including this diary.

I thank my daughter from bottom of my heart for her trust in me. With consent of my daughter, I published this diary, hoping that our fathers will hear cry of their children!