We have kids who always feel like they've worked very hard but can't study well, flunk their exams, or fail at a given task. Why?
From a psychological point of view, this is a mode of learned helplessness.
What is learned helplessness? Learned helplessness refers to uncontrollable knowing that no matter how hard you try, you cannot change outcome of things when faced with an uncontrollable situation after some learning, which then leads to an upward mental state of effort.
If your child is currently in a state of learned helplessness, how do you plan to deal with it? Do you have a solution?
First of all, parents through education become aware of location and severity of problem, explore causes of child's learned helplessness, empathize with child, and accept child's current condition.
Second, parents need to make a change: give up power, respect children as independent individuals, respect children's opinions and choices, and give back autonomy and control to children. Children can gain a sense of accomplishment and value in their own decisions and choices, thereby boosting their self-confidence.
Third, concrete solutions: you can invite children to do some simple little things, like having an assistant solve problems with a mobile phone, take something from closet, help us collect vegetables, prepare dishes, clean room, etc. e. The child's response is open, TA can accept parent's invitation or reject parent, and both parents must accept child's response. If child does, express gratitude and acknowledgment appropriately, not overly or exaggeratedly, such as: “Hey, this method is good,” “You did me a favor again,” “Thank you, baby, for participating, I feel like it’s fun.” " and so on. Start small and gradually accumulate and restore child's sense of strength and self-confidence.
Fourthly, notice positive aspects of child, support, inspire and encourage child to do this, so that child can feel that he can really do what seems undesirable or which is rather difficult for him. In this enveloping atmosphere, children take off their shackles, and after trials and trials, they will find that fence has been removed, and then they can jump and run freely. Thus, mode of learned helplessness dissolves.
A few days ago, when my daughter returned from her second checkup, we had a simple conversation——
The daughter came home after exam and said: It is considered that exam is over, but grade will definitely be bad
I'm asking: do you care?
Daughter: I don't care, but I don't think my parents do either.
I said: I saw my daughter finish five subjects! Passed all items! This is biggest breakthrough since high school. Have you ever thought that you can turn in all subjects?
Daughter:I didn't even dare to think about it before, this time I went out first morning and wondered if I could pass exam in afternoon and if I could pass exam tomorrow. I just didn't expect exam to actually end. I did it!
Having heard other half of my daughter's words, I'm more confident that topic of casual conversation during lunch break when my daughter returned from first day of exam——
(Dad: "Just ask multiple choice questions and graded questions. For single choice questions, choose B/C, which has a high percentage of correct answers; for multiple choice questions, choose less. Generally, choose 1 -2 If you choose too many mistakes, you will not get points, and if you do not choose completely, you will get points for correct choice, most of control questions are wrong, and this is also a general rule. he completely lost way he looked at his daughter before. Attitude of surrender, dislike, helplessness, an eyesore and a negative attitude when studying and taking exams. Moreover, it shows a kind of acceptance, a kind of tolerance and is very optimistic and positive. The Pope also said, "We don't care about test results, we focus on participation, as long as we pass test in each subject, we will win, and that's courage." "You don't have to draw lots, just fill in whatever you want . You spend two minutes writing name of class, and then five minutes to answer a few questions.” -choice questions for judges You can just sit and wait for call to turn in paper. If you can turn in paper in 30 minutes, you can just turn in paper. Don't worry if you don't get a 0 on test, if you get a 0 in test, I will reward you with 100 yuan.” Chosen from: I went to school today to take second exam before high school entrance exam
Dad's support and attitude, as well as our control over exam, passed on to my daughter, giving her tremendous strength! Make sure she passes this exam successfully.
I think it's a good experience to change the mode of learned helplessness.