(4) Watch movements of children in room
Once my daughter locked herself in a room and wouldn't come out, I was curious, anxious and embarrassed. I wonder what she is doing, studying? Are you playing game? Or secretly chat with netizens?
Later child was emotionally unstable, so I began to lock myself in room more time, I began to have various internal dramas, I was worried that child would hurt me if he behaved excessively, and I worried even more.
In order to calm my troubled heart, I "should" take some action:
There is a shutter in my daughter's room, I often quietly and gently open shutter to gap, and carefully look inside - if there is nothing unusual inside, or child is sleeping, I will quietly leave; if I see child playing games or chatting in room, I "remind" her - I found that she "does things that she shouldn't do." Most of time, instead of stopping her behavior, my daughter would angrily yell at me, “What are you doing? Are you spying on me?
If my daughter is emotionally unstable and I "take care" of her in this way, she will become more hysterical, throwing things out window or breaking things in room, causing her, who was just sitting quietly in a daze, to break out immediately.
When I discussed this topic with mothers in study group, I found that we almost spare no effort to do these things, and reasons are very consistent: we all care about our children; if I don't know that my baby is okay, I'll be restless and won't even be able to sleep...
Spy method is even better: get up in middle of night, lie down on floor at door of children's room, look through crack of door to see if there is a light inside to judge if child is sleeping; lift tiles from roof of children's room. If mothers do not have these conditions, they will put their ears to baby's room door, trying to eavesdrop on whether sound in room is normal; or directly “express concern” - pretend to give child fruits, pour water, or directly “greet” - baby, are you sleeping? like you baby ... There are also mothers who wake up in middle of night and turn on their children's mobile phones, check QQ and WeChat chat records, look into their children's diaries, etc ... through a glass partition they look at content displayed on their children's computer screens to control their children's learning... (Are you embarrassed? Write At this point, I discovered that we mothers can be spies)
What is end result? All same, children get angry, throw tantrums, they get worse, everything develops not as we expected, but quite opposite.
We began to discuss meaning of these actions and came to conclusion that meaningless! It also increases problems and destroys relationship between parents and children!
At same time, let's explore and feelThese behaviors can cause children to feel: anger, annoyance,panic, tension, resentment, pain, helplessness, humiliation, disappointment, disappointment, disgust, shame, self-confidence. Responsibility. , guilt, fear......
If a child feels these things, how can he be okay? Is there a feeling here that makes him/her feel motherly love? Can it give him/her strength? Suddenly I felt sorry for our children, it turns out they have such a bad environment.
Moms and I moved on to next question: why did child close door? The output is:
1. Children guard their borders
2. The child proves that he has grown up
3. Children should control situation - I am master of my territory
4. Closing door is also a sign of strength
5. Children check whether their parents have fully accepted themselves
6. Child announces: I need permission
Finally, if we don't watch over our children, what can we do to calm our restless hearts? My experience:
Go and learn, grow up on your own, take care of yourself and then you can stabilize yourself, just love child and it has nothing to do with what he/she does; repair parent-child relationship, respect child, give him time and space to be alone. When children trust us and feel safe and connected, they take initiative to open not only door of their room, but door of their heart. Being friends with kids is like that.
(5) About food
The fact that child does not eat and does not want to eat in family also provoked various conflicts in our family.
When my daughter was in a good mood, I took initiative to talk to her about it, and my daughter said to me:
Don't worry, I won't starve myself to death. It's just that what I want to eat or when I want to eat is different from yours. I would appreciate it if you could get them (dad and grandma) to stop staring at me for what I eat.
Looking back, I talked about it with my dad and grandma, and my dad said angrily: I don't know what's good and what's bad, I'm too lazy to scream; it is not right? I told my dad and grandma: I know that you are all worried about her health, and I hope that she can eat on time. But child is now in a special period. Maybe drug has no appetite, or maybe he sleeps too much and does not want to be disturbed and woken up. We also understand her, let him eat.
Since then, problem of nutrition in our family has been resolved and we are free: we eat our own, and we don’t get angry if child doesn’t eat, we just leave it for her. When she wants to eat, she can order takeout, get up to cook noodles or heat up food, that's her business. At same time, I will prepare more semi-finished products in refrigerator so that my daughter can eat whenever she wants.
I remember a mother talking about her daughter's food, she summed up four steps
The first stage is extruded stage