The high school entrance exams are getting closer and closer. Children who usually go to school will experience a lot of pressure. For those of us who are depressed and still insist on going to school and have to take high school entrance exams, even more anxious and nervous.
Children worry that they won't be accepted into a good high school or university and won't have books to study; parents worry that their children won't get into a good university, won't be able to find a good job, and won't have a good life and future.
Children's anxiety manifests itself in form of confusion, nervousness, anxiety and fear; parental anxiety can manifest itself in form of following syndromes:
1. Nagging. "Hurry, time is running out", "Exam is coming soon, let's play", "Did you look through everything? Did you do all questions wrong?"...
2. Excessive focus and attention. There should be no noise at home for fear of interfering with education of children; parents are very careful in speaking and talk less so as not to annoy children.
3. Parents love to ask questions. How many points did your child score? How many exams did same table take? What is class rank?
4. Compare with others. Who scored how many points in test, which school was tested, etc.
5. Constantly control. Because of my anxiety, I always watch my children learn.
6. High expectations from children. You have to score a high score and enter a prestigious school.
7. I don't understand homework, but I can only understand scores. Parents started asking questions, looking for cheats to improve grades, institutes, counseling materials, etc.
Parents, have you ever thought about how your whining, over-attention, and your control are affecting your children? —— Parents refuse me and do not trust me, and children will only feel more irritable, anxious and tense.
Parents, have you ever wondered if these actions of yours increase or weaken your child's strength, increase or decrease his self-esteem, strengthen or break bond with your child?
We found that, on one hand, our parents think about helping their children reduce stress and anxiety, on other hand, they unknowingly increase pressure on their children or pass on their own anxiety to children.
In other words, half of stumbling blocks for children on their way to school is due to parental pressure and anxiety. Our children are already moving forward with great loads, and parents are still gaining weight!
What should we do to help our children?
With regard to high school and college entrance exam anxiety, parents can support their children in three ways: cognition, feelings, and physical symptoms.
Some children may have some cognitive distortions at this time and willto selectively pay attention to negative things. For example, if I fail my exam, I won't have textbooks to study, I'll regret my parents, I won't have a good job in future and maybe... It's kind of catastrophic thinking ; strong>Polarized Thinking: either one or other, black or white, good or bad. For example, as long as I pass exam, I will be fine, if I fail exam, I will fail ... This will cause a lot of pressure on child, they think that this exam determines his life.
In face of children's thinking, our parents must clearly understand: what if they fail exam? No good job? No good life? Did all this happen? Will everything happen? If not, then let go of thought. If child passes exam, he is your child, and if he does not pass exam, is he not your child? A child who does well on an exam is a good child, but if he does poorly on an exam, is he a bad child? We as parents must first change our catastrophic and polarized mindset. Then let's go and see what we can do? ——
Help your child specify problem. For example, if a child is worried that he will not be accepted to a good university, we can chat with child:
Baby, you're worried about not being accepted into a good university. What is this university? What is your goal? There are so many universities in country, in which city do you want university to be? Which university?
We can teach children how to pump, which is a healing process. If child says they don't know, we can talk about universities we know (parents should do their homework for this). Then we told our children that there are many universities, and every year universities recruit a large number of people, and not just a few people, so we all have opportunities, and there should be a suitable university for us. Whatever college you choose, mom and dad will support you.
Another example: a child said that if I didn't pass college entrance exam, I would have no friends, no job, and others would look down on me. We can tell our children positive examples from lives of those who did not have a higher education, but still worked well and distinguished themselves. At same time, tell children that high school entrance exams and university entrance exams are not end of life, but just a knot. Even if you don't have a college degree, you can have a great life if you find a career that you enjoy pursuing.
In addition, we can also communicate with children. Even if you can't get into school you want to go to, what do you think is worst plan? If we can accept this worst-case plan, then uncertain outcome will not be worse than this, and child will not panic in this uncertainty.
As you get closerDuring high school and college entrance exams, child told his parents that he was very nervous and worried. Let's not deny his feelings and let's not say things like "don't be nervous" or "don't think so much" to child, this is undoubtedly denying him. What we need to do is acknowledge and see child's feelings: “Baby, you are uncomfortable, irritable and a little upset, aren't you? It was same when I was in college entrance exams.” Children need us to empathize, to see his pain and hard work. We can also explore with our children physical sensations caused by tension and anxiety, such as whether our limbs go numb and tremble, whether our heart rate increases, whether we feel flustered, palpitations, restlessness, etc. We accompany child to see his feelings, listen to his expression. Once their tension and anxiety are seen and expressed, their emotions are released and relieved.
If child is worried, we can also talk to him
"Baby, I can see that you are very worried. Besides pressure of studying itself, are you also worried about how your parents will feel if you fail exam?"
You can also say, "If you do poorly on an exam, whose feelings are you most concerned about and who will pressure you?"
"I'm worried that my father will be disappointed. My father will think that I will embarrass him and make him lose face. I'm also afraid that he won't like me," said my daughter Xiao Shengchu. It still hurts to think about it. I didn’t study then, I just consoled my daughter: “No, dad will not despise you.”
If your child has similar worries and anxieties, you can check with your husband:
"If our child fails exam, what will you do with her? Do you still love her? Is she still your daughter?"
I don't think any father would deny this, even if he was dissatisfied with fact that his child did not do well in exam. Then mother can confidently tell child that father will not love you because you failed exam and you are still his daughter. At same time, tell children that face of their parents must be won by parents themselves through their work and their interpersonal relationships in society, and not by children's assessments. Of course, if father and child can openly express their emotional statement to child, and tell child that whether test is good or not, this will not affect his love for child. This is best.
About physical reactions
During countdown to high school entrance exam, we children often experience some physical symptoms due to excessive pressure and anxiety: headache, stomach pain, stomach pain or insomnia, diarrhea, acne, herpes, biting nails, etc. . If physical reaction is strong and physical symptoms alone can tear a child apart, how can he easily pass exam?
In terms of physical reactions, we need to know that if a person is under too much pressure, body will give an alarm and manifest itself in form of physical symptoms, such as: headache, abdominal pain, diarrhea, etc. remind people, so that they properly rested, Adjustment. If children can understand this, they can accept their reaction to physical symptoms, adjust relaxation accordingly, pay attention to rest, physical symptoms can be alleviated, and it can also help them relieve stress.
For time being, parents, please don't say: don't think about it, don't think about it. under pressure. This is similar to white elephant effect: you negatively increase anxiety and stress. Children will only become more anxious.
We can also remove child's physical symptoms. For example, let's take abdominal pain as an example. If a child complains of abdominal pain and cannot get up because of squatting, you can ask child: is it comfortable to squat like this? Or do you want to lie down, sit down, or take a hot towel to wrap around your belly? At this time, child will see that you really care about him and take his worries seriously. What you see is healing.
The child has a stomach ache, we can also talk to child about his feelings and ask him how it hurts, dull pain or colic? If child wants to speak, you listen; if child does not want to speak, do not disturb his peace.
Besides, if child wants to go home to rest because he is too anxious, parents should not kind of face a big enemy, worrying about delay in last month, whether child will forget what he learned before. Will not be! Letting baby relax and letting that tight string loosen up a little is good for baby. Parents, you must trust that everyone will rush forward at last moment, and no one wants to fall. You know that and you're not that nervous. In fact, it is useless for you to be nervous, more nervous you are, more nervousness you will pass on to your children, and those children who are already struggling to move forward will be weighed down by your pressure.
In addition to above three, facing pressure of high school and college entrance exams, what else can we do in our daily lives to help children reduce anxiety?
Firstly, improve relationship between husband and wife and improve family atmosphere. Let children live in a loving, calm, harmonious and warm family environment.
Second, shut up. Do not ask your child about homework, grades, grades, ratings, etc. It is enough for child to learn on his own.
Thirdly, do not call, do not follow studies of children;
Fourth, if parent-child relationship between parent and child is good enough, when appropriate, you can hug child, give him a massage, and use physical contact to express your love and strength.It is worth noting that at this time, parents should not take personal items with them, thinking about taking this opportunity to give their children a "kind reminder, warm reminder" or something like that. Can a child not understand your intentions? So, just massage, don't talk. May your love and your strength pass to your children through your hands.
Fifth, cook your food. High school and college entrance exams are approaching, and children are very hardworking and tired. If there is a big, tasty and delicious lunch, it will surely increase pleasure of child. A moment of relaxation also builds strength.
Sixth, if child is very anxious, we can also ask him to take a few deep breaths, once or twice ... until he calms down. Then debrief for child, let child feel emotion and express emotion: be it sadness or fear, fear or anger, helplessness or irritability... You can see child's feelings, empathize with child's feelings, This can also help children with anxiety.
Seventh, there is another type of practice called practice of self-awareness. There is a child who does not accept that he is not good, does not allow himself to be bad, but reality is unsatisfactory, so child can repeatedly express: “I have right to be cowardly, my father allows me to be cowardly, my mother allows me to be cowardly, I allow myself to be cowardly." From a psychological point of view, this can help children reduce internal friction.
At end of article, I would like to address all parents and children:
The high school entrance exam isn't the end of life, it's just a knot in life, and it's just a landscape among countless landscapes in life.