When child was out of school, head teacher unexpectedly called mother L. and emotionally told her: “Mom L., you must immediately come to school. Your child said he had insomnia last night. I asked him why. Insomnia, he refused to answer and said he could do whatever he wanted, I can't control him anymore! On other end of line, a child’s voice was clear, angry and dismissive: “I just don’t need to answer your question!”
L's mother understood urgency of question and immediately replied to teacher, "Okay, I'll be right there."
Hanging up phone, she changed, thinking: High school entrance exams are approaching, and child has been clearly restless for past two days. I could not understand weakness of a depressed child, and did not dare to provoke him, so I endured for a long time. Now both are angry.
How can we manage their emotions?
Mother L. walked to school and only thought of one thing: trying her best to calm emotions of both teachers and students.
After meeting, she noticed that teacher had softened a bit. At first, teacher showed her video from security cameras, but because video was too long, she simply stopped watching it and adjusted seat so that she could look at child and teacher at same time.
Mother L carefully adjusted her sitting posture, leaned forward slightly towards teacher, looked teacher seriously in eye, and nodded in response from time to time when she realized that she was folding her arms with her chest on table, she opened hands and imitate teacher's pose, put one hand on your knees and other on table, both hands in an open pose. She wants teacher to feel valued and respected.
Has she begun to understand what a teacher needs? ——Does teacher need to manage class well so that he is not disturbed by his own child and other children sitting in back?
She was in no hurry to express her opinion to teacher, but tried to understand ins and outs of case. The child began to speak and she turned to face child. What child expressed was his dissatisfaction: when teacher criticized other students, he commented on qualities of another student. The teacher should not deprive him of right to express his opinion.
Mother L again tried to validate their needs with help of two: teacher needs to maintain a collective order in classroom, and children need right to express their opinions. But research didn't seem to be successful because teacher again explained situation and again provoked an argument between them. The conflict instantly escalated and they went into a state of anger again, and she couldn't understand motivating discussion. Baby exploded: I look down on you! The teacher instantly ignited, filled with gunpowder.
Mother L interrupted them emphatically, "Wait a minute, I can feel both of you getting angry".
"Come on, ***, wordsanger will become more and more serious, let's get back to problem," she reminded her children.
The teacher may also have realized that rhythm follows child, and then sat down and called grim-faced homeroom teacher to apply for intervention.
Taking advantage of two minutes when class teacher pulled teacher out for a private conversation, she took opportunity to take child by hand and peacefully and sincerely ask him:
One after other "baby, time is running out, mom wants to remind you what ending you want in end? Stay and study, or
Don't study? Either way, your mom will support you. "
--"Enough!" child replied angrily.
——"They won't let you read it anyway!"
——"Mother asked about what you want, not about her decision."
The child was silent for several seconds. The teacher came in, and in another round of conversation Mother L still listened quietly. Then she caught headmaster's need: respect. So he told teacher that his family was not a Western democratic education, as he thought, but a traditional concept of respect for teachers. At same time, I also confirmed to children that when they talked about teacher at home, they saw teacher's contribution and expressed gratitude, and children reacted positively. She also captured needs of child: respect and fairness - he had long felt that teacher marginalized him because he was afraid of getting into trouble, asked teacher to take care of him and had no hope for his studies, which made him very angry his. The head teacher attributed bad discipline in class to him alone, he considered this unfair and gave examples to show himself.
After advising children to express this, director fell silent for a while. To admit that words take root, that both sides have words, is already too much. The class teacher deftly made child's face and said in a very relaxed tone, “You interrupted for sake of classmates' loyalty and to help your classmates stand out, but it's wrong to disrespect teacher, right? apologize. The child quickly accepted this and verbally apologized. The teacher asked if it was true? The leader of group asked child to bow, and child quickly bowed. The child straightened up, and mother L intentionally touched and patted child on back. As a result, head teacher talked heart to heart with child for more than 10 minutes, expressing that he did not abandon child and hoped that child would study. Mother L also sincerely expressed her opinion to her children: "Everything shows that teacher did not give up on you and tried his best to motivate you."
In afternoon, when class teacher was discussing with class teacher of group, he said: "...Mom is a very good parent...." L.'s mother knew that she was trusted by teacher. At that moment, she realized what she needed: understanding and trust of teacher. In her sea large stone has been placed in her heart, and her whole body is relaxed --- she still needs peace and a sense of security.
Looking at two people who were initially angry, they finally got over their emotions. More than 2 hours have passed. Mother L. invited teacher to dinner. After teacher refused, she sincerely apologized to teacher in private: because phrase "I look down on you" caused a lot of harm to teacher. The teacher also expressed his relief at reckless boy.
Finally, Mother L said that this was biggest problem she had ever faced in history of communication between family and school: two angry adults + a depressed teenager + an imminent graduation. This is also time when she felt most relaxed after treatment and she felt she was stronger than before.
She lamented allure of nonviolent communication and praised strength and support of nonviolent communication teacher. She said she was even more grateful for studying nonviolent communication.
This is mother of wisdom of our study group! Using acquired knowledge of non-violent communication, he was neither modest nor domineering, but actively resolved conflict between child and class teacher.
After that, Mother L. summed up:
First of all, although she respects class teacher, she also respects children, which gives children a lot of trust and support. (Most of our mothers at this time may blame their children for making them isolated and helpless)
Secondly, she told herself to always remain calm.
Third, focus on emotions, not right or wrong.
Fourth, awareness of boundaries: This is a matter between teacher and child. The child is just like teacher, he is independent. Jiazi should help teacher and children manage their own affairs. Only with boundaries can we be neither arrogant nor humble. Before, I always felt like I accepted criticism of teacher and upbringing of my children. If you have a limited mentality, you will not have strength to explore your needs.
Fifth, keep things simple and don't overthink it. We can usually pay more attention to more things: top camera, other teachers in office, and whether classmates who come and go watch jokes, all of which lower our energy and distract us from listening and problem solving.
Sixth, sincere and positive attitude. Respect facts, don't judgebut understand them
Seventh, use trial and error, guidance and validation to help three parties find their own needs
Eighth, use of non-verbal parts: posture, gaze, sitting direction, etc. In addition, touching his back and patting hislaziness of child can not only comfort child, but also encourage child to express himself and fulfill his needs when it is inconvenient to speak.
In conflict situations between children and teachers, we stood on side of teacher, blaming, suppressing and admonishing children together, acting as teacher's accomplices, but completely unaware of this, this does not affect our children. It's good that Master Yu also feels, that we are dealing with them and do not respect them, as for us, we are not ready to do this, but because of "status" of teacher, we are afraid to offend teacher and fear that child will not receive teacher's approval. Take care, at least embarrass child...
In fact, in such conflicts, if parents can take their time and not overbearing, but at same time respect both sides, see each other's feelings and needs, empathize with their emotions, everything will become much easier.