We always hear that we must accept children unconditionally, love children, trust children completely, and children will gradually get better. But what is unconditional acceptance of a child?
(1) To stay alive first
Some parents find this confusing and frustrating:
"Is it true that watching kids play games all night is bad for eyes, cervical spine, and spine, so should we take it for granted?"
"Child's black and white are mixed up, his work and rest are chaotic, and his diet is irregular. Are you ignoring him?
"The child said he was going to school but couldn't wake up in morning, should he just lie down?"
I've experienced this too and have tried different methods to save my child - smart, hard and soft, coercion and temptation, or with help of relatives, friends, doctors and counselors to convince her. But it turned out that these methods did not work at all, in end, I was left there anxious and helpless, even angry to point of despair, with feeling that I was about to collapse.
I remember famous writer Mai Jia talking about his son who dropped out of school and played games at home day and night. He said following:
For children at this time, not to mention study and work, life is already good.
They play games, black and white are reversed, just to paralyze themselves. Suffering and pain before leaving this world due to illness.
Perhaps for him, fatigue from study and leaving school is last barrier of self-defense. The room he closed door to is his intensive care unit. Wound healing.
It turns out that we see only superficial phenomena, such as children who do not go to school, play games all night, sleep with black and white upside down, etc., but we do not see their inner pain and struggle , we do not see We do not understand their feelings, we do not think about them Why is this? We've ignored their psychology, but still use smug old model to rudely intervene, call, even sarcastic and hit. When we are helpless and furious, what makes us sad is our own feelings and our own efforts, again ignoring feelings of our children after being criticized and blamed for no reason. Which child!
If we, like Mai Jia, understand that children play games to paralyze themselves, protect themselves, lick their wounds and heal their wounds alone, see psychology of children who are already on verge of death, and feel pain, causing them mental illness. Maybe we will stop blaming, criticizing and fixing them, instead we will pity our children, hug our children who are sick, let them rest, heal and take care of them. .
As Mai Jia said:
For you at this time please understand him, respect him, just watchfollow him, do not disturb him, let him recover.
Give him opportunity to return to childhood, just take care of him and accept him unconditionally, as he was in childhood. Patiently waiting for his psychological healing, waiting for his awakening. However, this process can take a long time.
(2) What is unconditional acceptance?
So, unconditional acceptance is no judgment, no criticism, no censure, no correction, no imposition of one's ideology, no insults, no labeling, no comparison, unconditional acceptance is respect, listening, trust, empathy , understanding. , tolerance,…
We accept their feelings, thoughts, emotions (depression, sadness, anger, sadness, pain, irritability, anger,...), whether positive or negative, we must fully accept and allow. At same time, many of them are temporarily impossible to accept.
Unconditional acceptance means facing childhood emotions. We do not have resistance, disgust, boredom, disgust, helplessness, no irritability, anxiety and panic because we want to rush to help, but we can maintain stable emotions and peaceful calm. Wait calmly, have strength to catch and lift child.
This is really a test for parents. A teacher once said: Maintaining a stable mood is based on deep understanding and love for children. Trust based on your ability to grasp and believe that everything will be fine, they do not appear out of thin air, it is result of parenting and parenting.
If a child's views are inconsistent with ours, we should not directly reject child's ideas, but allow child to have his own ideas and opinions. For example, if a child complains or doesn't like teacher's delay, perhaps our habitual mindset is to side with teacher, to see how responsible teacher is, to selflessly dedicate their rest time, and to want child to be grateful to teacher for work done. work. effort, right? But do you know what your child thinks? The teacher takes up time after class May not have enough time to go to toilet You may not have enough time to prepare for next lesson After class you want to go out to take a breath You originally wanted to relax your brain and eyes... If you listen with curiosity After seeing this, will you do you still reject your child's ideas? Not anymore, right? Therefore, we should not reject our children's ideas, but accept them and let them have their own opinion. We can listen to our children and empathize with them. When children complain to us, they just want to find a way to express their emotions. We stand in their place to understand, to listen, not to refute or deny, just to give children opportunity to express their emotions.
(3) Unconditional acceptance does not mean unconditional consent and approval
Some parents may be confused again: does unconditional acceptance mean that no matter what child does or asks, everything is fine with him? of course not.
Unconditional acceptance does not mean unconditional satisfaction, does not mean unconditional consent. Whether or not child's requirements are met or not is secondary, main thing is that our attention to child's emotions and needs be unconditional and fully accepted.
Full acceptance does not mean that all of child's actions must be recognized and approved. Acceptance means not rejecting or judging child because of those behaviors and emotions.
For example, we accept a child's emotions (dissatisfaction, irritability, disgust, and even anger) when he complains about teacher's slowness, but if child takes revenge on teacher or hurts teacher because of it, we definitely disagree or disagree. We accept and allow children's emotions to help them release and express their emotions.
(4) Unconditional acceptance is not humble obedience, not mindful fellowship, it requires mutual respect.
For example, if a child loses his temper at you: "Let's see what upsets you." This is acceptance. "But I don't agree with your attitude towards me. It's impolite and it hurts me." This is disapproval. This concept needs to be clarified. “I saw you lose your temper. There must be something that made you so angry. Let's discuss it together when you calm down." We respect our children and let them know that we need respect too.
A parent said about unconditional acceptance: My understanding of unconditional acceptance is that no matter how bad you are at moment, I still accept you, love you and will never leave or be disappointed in you, because that you are my child. I brought you into this world. However, I cannot pander unconditionally.
Another parent said: I trust my child, he won't be far behind even if he takes a detour now, I understand pain of his decadence on surface, but in fact he works hard but cannot prove himself. From this point of view, love him, instead of criticizing and advising him arrogantly and smugly, because he does not comply with my rules and regulations, and love him with hatred. There is nothing I can do now, so I try to live a positive and powerful life, accompany him in this way and try to make him feel that even if whole world does not trust him or misunderstands him, my mother still strongly believes in him and with looking at him optimistically.
Another parent said, “Through learning and growth, I will be aware, rethink, respect and support my child's choices and endeavors. Of course, I will make mistakes in process. I also accept myself. resolve from Slow down, come closer.
(5) Why do you say that if you unconditionally accept yourchild, love him and trust him completely, will your child gradually get better?
I think it can be summarized as follows:
1. After we achieve acceptance and love, children will gradually let go of their guard, and they will not have to spend energy on confronting their parents, and there will be less emotional stimuli.
2. Children can feel truly loved, feel happy from bottom of their hearts, have a sense of security and significance, and gradually gain courage to explore on their own
3. If parents can truly accept, they will let go of their expectations and worries about their children, treat their children with peace and accept their emotions.
At end of article, I want to say: Acceptance is beginning of change. Borrow a suggestion from writer Mai Jia to cheer each other up:
Be a good catcher in rye, God bless this child!