Dao Yaer's personal experience: good relations between husband and wife, a harmonious and warm home - good medicine for a recovering depressive child!
For some time I could not understand: my husband and I freely fell in love, loved each other deeply, and love process went through many ups and downs. My husband even ignored his parents' opposition and insisted on marrying me behind his back. In first few years after wedding, we really got along very well. In eyes of relatives and friends, we can be considered an exemplary couple. People who know our history think that I am married to love and are very jealous. I remember when my husband and I were about to divorce, it directly destroyed my sister's desire for marriage, she said: My sister and son-in-law are about to divorce, so how dare I believe in love.
I would like to think that problems in my marriage and subsequent divorce must be related to my daughter's illness. However, in last few days, when I started writing this series of articles, I also began to rethink this issue. I was surprised to discover that it was not my daughter's illness that was direct cause of my marital tension, but that I did not understand men at all and never seriously thought about difference in how my husband and I feel and express love, and I did not know each other There are still misunderstandings about intimacy, and getting along with intimacy actually takes skill. As I write this, I can be sure of one thing: if I do not learn and change, even if my daughter is not sick, my marriage will still have problems.
(1) Significant difference between men and women
Some data show that: men have better developed abstract thinking, women have better developed figurative thinking; women have better emotional memory, men have better logical memory; women generally have better perception and attention than men; men tend to have better originality and dexterity than women... men need more free time and space, women need to talk, complain, go shopping...
I seem to suddenly understand: why my husband and I are very unhappy because of one incident, he will soon forget about it, and I will be annoyed for many days; impatient; why he is absent-minded about my confession; why do i always like it when two people stick together when there is nothing to do but my husband thinks that he will hide in room to play games when he has time... Well, I thought my husband had changed became careless towards me. Then I fought alone, twisted more and more, and never missed an opportunity to start a war.
In particular, regarding independent time and space, I discussed this with my husband after we resumed an intimate relationship. I took my breath away."
(2) Everyone feels and expresses love differently
The washing machine at home broke down a few days ago and was replaced with a new one. My husband is notI can't tell you about a past event that I hardly remember. He said that when we first got married, after he received his first monthly salary, first appliance he added to his house was a washing machine. He asked me if I still remember? I've been talking too long, I don't think I've expressed myself too clearly. He asked me again, do you know why I bought a washing machine instead of a TV in first place? I said I can't remember. He smiled and said that I have no conscience and he said, “I know you have allergies because I know you, especially you cannot touch irritating things like washing powder with your hands. I don't have much time to do housework. so I thought about it. "Buy a washing machine first and fix your handwashing problem first." Twenty years later, when my husband raised issue again, I felt something hit me in heart - he was expressing his love for me! This is his way of showing love!
I don't remember how I felt then, but at this moment, I really do feel loved. Remembering past twenty years, if our washing machine broke down, my husband immediately found someone who would fix it, and if it was impossible to fix it, then immediately, almost without delay, he changed it, just like this time.
Later, I thanked my husband from bottom of my heart, it was he who brought up old story again and made me confirm that there was always love between us. It's just that often we neglect opportunity to feel love. Also, way other side expresses love may not be as direct as "I love you" but it is practiced in little details of life that are not easy to spot.
So, know that people can't read minds. We can then tell other party what to do to make me "feel love", whether expressing it directly through behavior, or through language, or through behavior and language. Like me, I told my husband: you not only have to express your love for me with your actions, you better say it, you do it because you love me, otherwise I might not feel your love! I have a deep experience: don't let other side guess, it's tiring and easy to misunderstand.
At same time, we can also check with other party, "My dear, how can I make you feel loved?" For example, I asked my husband this question, and he replied: "He hopes that Go home, There is a light on in house, and dishes and rice are on table. It's so simple
When you express your love to someone, tell them I am doing this because I love you, this is how I express it"
There is another sentence that I also think is very accurate, at least in how I get along with my husband, I agree—
A man feels loved when a woman expresses positive feelings (such as admiration, gratitude, praise, etc.). For example, my husband likes to hear me say that he is very capable and influential.wow, he has good interpersonal relationships and can earn money to support his family, so he has a sense of accomplishment and worth.
Women feel loved when a man takes care of them (for example, listening, talking, giving gifts, etc.). Like me, if my husband can accompany me from time to time to have a cup of coffee, watch a movie, or give me a small gift for birthdays and holidays, I will be very happy.
(3) Proximity fallacies:
1. The relationship between parents and children is more important than intimacy
As a mother, I have always put my daughter's upbringing first and preferred intimacy over typical parent-child relationship. I believe that my husband should be same as me and put upbringing of his daughter in first place. We are adults and we don't need others to take care of us. Upon learning, I realized that dislocation of relationships between family members will inevitably lead to instability and disharmony in family relationships. The correct order should be self-relationship-affinity-parent-child relationship
2, don't get divorced for children
We have seen how some parents do not divorce for sake of their children, but still continue already severed relationship between husband and wife and maintain this seemingly full-fledged home without love and warmth. Their desire is to “give their children a complete home.” But does this house need a child? Since you want to give it, then give child a home where he can feel safe and be loved! I thought so!
I remember last year when my daughter's teacher told me about pain of my marriage to my daughter (Link: My daughter is sick, I want to get a divorce) completely destroyed my idea of divorce and I thought: Because we can't divorce, About to change! Otherwise, old scheme will only continue to harm children, and it will be torture for me and my husband. So, I began to consciously rebuild my marriage and my intimate relationships.
In my opinion, if a marriage cannot find its own needs, it will force them together, torturing themselves and hurting their children. So either fix it or leave it.
3, relations between men and women have become competitive
During stalemate between my husband and me, I felt insecure: without you, I could still earn money to support myself and my children, and perhaps live a more comfortable life. I think so and I do same, I see my husband as a competitor and I want to compete with him to win or lose. It can be assumed that there are no winners in this war.
4, mother intervenes excessively in war between father and child
To be honest, I also fell into this hole. Because I was worried that my father would beat and dislike my daughter, I often interrupted my husband to continue preaching.When my father was about to speak or spoke in middle of a speech. Due to my forced intervention, my husband was very upset and my daughter either hid behind me and watched our Conflict or returned to room alone. Thinking about it now, it is completely useless for harmony of intimacy and parent-child relationships. But at first, I never got tired of it, and I thought that everything was fine with me.
(4) Intimacy Skills
Do you feel that there is no need to talk between husband and wife? Whatever skills you have, you must really prove yourself. Right? However, in lesson on restoring intimacy, teacher told us that getting along between husband and wife is also skillful. For example, if a woman expresses admiration, respect, dependence, appreciation, etc. to a man, then this man will feel very good and powerful, and you you will be ready to take care of this "weak" woman. She said that we can be taught three skills: act like a child, show weakness, and worship! According to Tao Yaer's personal test, all three techniques are very effective. Do you want to try?
In addition, teacher also taught us to plant flowers in intimate garden - seeing what my husband did, confirm and praise in time. Try to discover virtues of your husband. He fascinated you just as much as when you were in love.
(5) Edit and Create Proximity
I once saw a sentence on internet: In a failed marriage, everyone hopes other side will change, but if you put hope in other side, it will be nothing in end. Since few can truly change their nature for love, Pleasure and patience won't last long!
Yes, I take this very seriously, any thoughts and ideas that change others will consume energy of both you and other person, and will torment each other.
So, if you want to change your unhappy marriage, you cannot rely on others, you can only create it yourself. Moreover, you must be ready to change and create, that is : Even if he does not know about your changes and does not give you anything in return, you are still ready, and this is not important for you. All for yourself.
At end of this chapter it says:
In intimate relationships, change is not a loss, but beginning of a conscious exercise of initiative in a relationship and creation of desired happiness. Let's support each other !
(to be continued)