Baby Diary

Now that I've decided not to get a divorce, I've started thinking about how to fix my marriage. After a showdown with my husband, our division of labor and an agreement on cooperation (oral) largely helped to avoid complaints and conflicts. I no longer complain that I have to accompany children and do housework, this is my job, as well as my duty and value, my husband no longer complains about stress at work, saying that I do not understand him, this is his business!

The Cold War and indifference at home are slowly disappearing. However, way my husband and I get along has changed to fulfilling our own responsibilities, respecting each other as guests, and courtesy! Maybe we moved away from each other for too long, or maybe we planted ugly images on each other, became familiar and unfamiliar. We found we couldn't get close to each other, couldn't even hold hands and hug each other. We just carefully maintain look and feel of our home that we don't want to disturb.

This is not warm, fulfilling and loving home my daughter dreams of! This is not a house that I can hardly maintain unless I get a divorce! I want a warm and harmonious home.

What else do I need to do so that my husband and I treat each other as guests with intimacy and love?

I still remember those happy times when we went from dating to getting married. Yes, I want to start a new relationship with my husband!

Just as I planned my conversation, I started planning my relationship!

I took my family to park over weekend to pitch a tent and have a picnic. These kind of group sessions were often held when my daughter was a child. Ever since my daughter got sick, my husband and I have also had problems and it has never happened again.

My daughter was a little surprised. For a long time during this period, there was practically no smile on her face, but an even, numb, indifferent expression. If she did not object to this activity, then she agrees! I have been excited for a long time because my daughter finally wants to go out to events!

Given my husband's attitude towards his sick daughter, I am very worried that he will unknowingly speak to stimulate her again. I sent a simple message to my husband: I think my daughter very rarely wants to go out and I hope she can have some fun. According to cooperation agreement in our division of labor and cooperation, you need to cooperate with me and try to create a relaxed and happy atmosphere for child. The husband said that he would definitely cooperate.

Then we cooked food together and drove to wetland park.

The three of us set up tent, hand in hand, took out cooked food and set it up. The daughter still mostly did not speak or only reacted to my words. That's enough, I tell myself.

From time to time my husband takes initiative to ask his daughterwhether she wants to eat this or that, but daughter always shakes her head, saying no. I saw my husband's embarrassment and said: I want to eat. So my husband delivered food on sticks to my mouth. At that moment, since I felt that my eye sockets were hot and moist. It's taste of a long lost love. I couldn't help but look at my husband, who was also looking at me.

My daughter sat quietly, ate slowly, her eyes were always looking into distance, I could not understand what she was thinking, maybe she was not thinking about anything. She doesn't start talking to us.

My husband and I had nothing to say, so we chatted about flowers and plants in park. The atmosphere was a little awkward.

After eating, we went for a walk in park together. My daughter walked with us at first, but then she left on her own, we watched her walk, sit or check her mobile phone. I decided not to disturb her and went for a walk with my husband.

It is strange to say that two people who were once so familiar and close suddenly have nothing to say, and we still maintain a certain distance between ourselves. I really had a nervous feeling and my hands were unconsciously behind my back.

After walking for a while, I looked for my daughter. My husband showed me ahead and told me where my daughter was. I said: Well, okay, I see it. My husband lowered outstretched hand and then took my hand, which seemed so natural and smooth. He didn't say anything and continued walking. But I felt my heart beat faster, and I wanted to reflexively extend my hand. I don't think I want to quit, it's purely a conditioned reflex to quit. My husband squeezed me a little harder, but didn't let go, and I didn't do anything else, just let him hold me.

It was a big and powerful hand, and I could feel that its temperature was thick, warm, and persistent! I remembered that I once loved to play with these hands, I can clearly see lines on palm and scars left by fingers when I worked on farm as a child ... I don’t know when, I already ignored his existence, ignored him. It gave me a sense of safety, security and belonging.

After walking for a while, my husband let go of my hand, reached out and put it on my shoulder, hugged me and walked over to him. There is no more distance between us.

My husband took me to diner and asked me what I want to eat? I asked for a bowl of cold pie and he asked for a bowl of cold noodles and spiked potatoes. I'm surprised he barely eats potatoes. He said his daughter was here. Potatoes for his daughter and he knows her daughter loves him.

We sat down to eat. The daughter came up and suddenly said: I thought I just made a mistake! I asked her what happened and she didn't say anything. The father put potatoes in front of his daughter and said to her: "I ordered you. If taste does not suit you, you can ask boss to change it for you." The daughter tried it and said it was delicious, and then she continued to eat her potatoes. My husband watched my daughter start eating potatoes and asked me if I would like tosomething else.

At that moment, I had a feeling: this is atmosphere of my home. If I can still have my daughter's smile and laughter, I will be more satisfied.

After this picnic, our family activity gradually increased. We watched movies together, ate dinner together, went for walks together, played cards together and played games together... I used to suggest until my daughter was ready to participate, my husband was mostly all cooperative, although daughter wasn't very talkative yet.

After such a period of time, one day my daughter asked me if I would like to watch something on her mobile phone. I was curious to see this. Then I saw a photo of my husband and I holding hands in park, and a photo of my husband walking with his arms around my shoulders. The photo was taken far away, so it's not very clear. But enough! My daughter asked me: "Do you want? I can send you a copy! I then thought that I was mistaken. It turns out that my parents will also hold hands!" I looked at pictures and listened to my daughter. I was a little excited, a little sad.

The daughter spoke easily, with a calm expression on her face, as if nothing bothered her. But unconsciously he explained everything by his actions.

Half a year flew by like a flash. A few days ago, she was looking for photos on her mobile phone and found these two fuzzy photos. This time, her daughter began to play pranks on her parents: Look at these two people, are they in a relationship? Too bad it's too far away so I can't see facial expression clearly!

"It's so vague, delete it," I deliberately said.

"That won't work, that's evidence!" The daughter took phone as a treasure and left photo album.

Then I showed photo to my husband, but my husband said: I know that she was photographing at that time, but I did not expect it to be so blurry! However, not bad!

This time it was my turn to feel that my daughter and her father were on same side. However, I am so happy from bottom of my heart because I see hope and beauty of life!

(to be continued)