After two days of confusion, reflection, planning and sketching, plan for target conversation was basically formed.
In our study, this was a formal and frank conversation.
Me: On such a painful day, did you think about divorce?
Husband: I never thought about divorce. However, if you insist, there is nothing I can do, I will let go (husband looks very helpless)
Me: I thought about it, I don't want to get divorced. Now I think what we can do to change this situation.
Husband: You talk and I listen
Me: What kind of life do you want? Or, in terms of our home, how do you want it to look?
Husband: What's it like? What else can I do? Of course, I hope that whole family will be healthy, healthy and harmonious. However, this is completely impossible, state of child (the husband looks very tired, some kind of disappointment is written on his face.)
Me: I hope my daughter gets better, I hope our house is full of vitality and not tense and frozen like it is now, everyone has same facial expression, just no expression. I hope it will be like before, you still remember when your daughter went to kindergarten, she was so lively, sweet, smart, warm and attentive that you have to take her with you when you go to group classes...
My husband interrupted me: who knew that she would get this disease! (I tried to give my husband hope for past days, but he was too rational and realistic)
Me: Well, let's be realistic. Can I say following: our family has common goals and common expectations.
Me: Then from today I want to change atmosphere of our house! Need your support!
Husband: What do you need to do? I cooperate.
Me: I found that reason for this atmosphere in our family is that we have too much dissatisfaction, complaints and resentment in each other's hearts. For example, I don't want to talk to you because I don't think you want to help me share stress and anxiety caused by my daughter's illness. responsibility and reality.
Husband: I'm not a doctor or a consultant, how can you ask me for help? (The husband began to complain, impatiently in words. I realized that conversation could turn into a quarrel again, so I immediately changed direction)
Me: Similarly, you have a lot of opinions about me. First, you think that I am neglecting you and focusing on my children. Secondly, you think that you work so hard to support your family, but your family has become like this, not satisfied and not humbled, you still think I am stubborn and do not listen to your opinion, right?
Husband: Do you know all about this? I thought you can't think?
Me: what do I think about these two days
Me: Look how we can all live with so many emotions. I think to alleviate our anxieties and stress, we need to separate and cooperate with each other! First, each of us does a good job, which can reduce guilt among ourselves, as well as dissatisfaction and complaints.We want to ask each other for support. This avoids many conflicts between us. What do you think?
Husband: I think so. How to share labor and cooperate?
Me: I usually take care of my daughter, accompany her, cook, wash and clean, and deal with relations between parents and siblings
You are primarily responsible for making money and supporting your family! But attitude that I need money from you should be voluntary and active, and not complain or ask you to give it. Only in this way can I do what I have to do well, otherwise I will think about how to make money or feel that I am inferior to you, because I did not make money! This unbalanced psychology will lead to disputes and conflicts between us. What do you think?
Husband: No problem, you can! After working points, how can we cooperate?
Me: Cooperation is necessary for communication, for development of feelings between us, between us and our daughter. For example, we can arrange outings on weekends and holidays, I hope you can actively cooperate and actively participate, for example, my daughter and I are going on return visits for consultation, and I hope you can support us when we need pick you up and drop you off by car; for example, my daughter is emotional, I hope you can try to understand her instead of provoking her, which is also my support and cooperation; also, for example, when I am inconvenient or too busy, I also hope that you can take initiative to enter kitchen or something like that. In short, we only need to think about one thing: it will help our family, that's all.
Husband: I roughly understand. I'm trying to do this
That's almost all. It was probably in second half of last year. The order of language may not be exactly same, but content of conversation is basically same. Because I have drafts.
I think this is most peaceful and productive conversation between my husband and me in years.
Seeing such a peaceful conversation, I once again chatted with my husband about my daughter's illness.
Me: "It's a fact that our daughter is sick. We can only accept it. that's not what she wants, she suffers more than us! You saw how she struggled with pain when she was sick, right, you feel sorry for her too, don't you?"
Husband: But I really can't help her! Treating diseases is job of doctors.
Me: No, you can help her, we can all help her, and our help is extremely important: understand her and accept her! Don't blame her, don't hate her, don't reject her! We believe she will be fine! Let's encourage her and support her. If she can feel love and support of her parents, her internal friction will be halved, and she will only have to face pain caused by disease itself. However, there is nothing we can do to help!
Husband: Understood, I will try! You know, sometimes I'm very impatient, you owe meremember.
After conversation, when my husband and I were chatting, I remembered phrase that I saw, and I especially agreed with it. I shared it with my husband on WeChat——
"There are many ways to contribute to a family. Making money is one of them. Taking care of family, managing family atmosphere and dealing with all aspects of interpersonal relationships... but division of labor is different! Everyone is active. Those who contribute into family, valuable and irreplaceable! Everyone must be respected "
(to be continued)