Baby Diary

I'm back in this place again, just tonight.

I went there with my parents and didn't say a word. The place has changed, basement classrooms have been empty for a long time, and surrounding greenery has improved a lot, there is still no light in small square, but two sides of street are really beautifully decorated. I can't help but think if only it was so beautiful at time. That hospital, as it were, "resurrected" Everything is different, but same. The tea house was still there, and before I left, I easily went in and washed my hands. I was fighting with my classmates at prep school and I accidentally fell. Finally, worried about teacher's scolding, I hurried back to classroom.

On a sunny afternoon we played games in square. It was my very happy memory that sixth graders didn't have mobile phones, so they played games like hide and seek there. I sweated profusely after game, and in end I did not want to part with her.

I still remember "hundreds of rice" I ate when my mom brought food late. After eating, most anticipated time, and only time for rest, is a walk along river. Xiang Ma (the teacher in charge of logistics at preparatory school) was leading us, we always joked counting number of people as one two three, but no one wants it to be five (waste), so they will definitely jump to front of line, but how could anyone who wants ...

Three years have passed. At time, a terrible soft ruler teacher, a young cooking genius, a gentleman boy who gave me pleasure, and a sunny boy who always called me by my nickname. They seem to be very close to me, as if it was only yesterday, but three years have passed, and I don’t even dare to think about them.

The river dried up a long time ago, and classrooms in basement were vacated a long time ago.

All prep school students went to a good junior high school, and this year they went to a good high school. Only I'm still in process of returning to school after holidays... Former partners, old classes and sun of that winter - everything has become past, and only I am left here.

At that time I was full of hope, and all hardships of waiting were rewarded. Now it's all gone. How it looks Everyone went forward, only I stayed in place. I'm left behind, I'm stuck here, but I, how can I resent? I don't hate Baijiafan, those friends playing that day, and I don't hate myself, who worked so hard back then.

I suddenly discovered that main character in anime has a clear object of revenge, and person he hates is actually a blessing in adversity. Who am I supposed to hate these three years? Whom should I offend? In fact, I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm getting close to what I hate and I can't save it.

I told my mother that if there is no hope, there will be no disappointment. But how can people live in a world without hope? Some people say they envy me and say I'm so lucky. I carefully remembered this. Over past three years, asoh moment i was supposed to be connected with happiness? Endless medications, endless consultations, good and bad emotions, days of chasing black dogs...

If I hadn't stopped three years ago, what would my 15-16-year-old child look like? Stand next to good friends, happily take graduation photos, and keep moving forward; although academic pressure will be great, although there will be many failures, I can sit in classroom and talk with my classmates without fear. naturally, I can confidently stand by her side. Life in high school, everything I dreamed of back then, everything turned to ashes. Envious?

I'm fifteen or sixteen years old, please give it back to me! My fifteen or sixteen years, please let me go! I don't want to stay in the past anymore.

2022.12