When I was a child, my father was a village cadre worker and was very busy every day, so he had little time to take care of our brothers and sisters. For family, dad is superior commander, decision maker and controller. He is always busy. After he has settled affairs of family, he is going to take care of other people's business. He is very concerned about my studies and is very strict, he is a typical controlling parent. As for my mother, in fulfilling her father's plan, she must also take care of lives of our brothers and sisters. During day, she is busy working on farm, and at night weaving straw hats to earn money and feed her family. She hardly cares about our studies. In this regard, my mother is a negligent parent.
In my opinion, my mother is a coward, always silently enduring accusations, nagging and suppression from a strong grandmother. She was always submissive and held back her anger. I think my mother lived a very modest life, and I felt that she did not resist because she was afraid of her grandmother. I want to help my mother with chores, share burden for her and support her. However, I am also very afraid of my grandmother, between grandmother, mother and me, grandmother is absolute authority. I had no other choice but to do everything silently, thinking that if I did everything well, my grandmother would scold and blame me less so as not to offend my mother. However, it was difficult to satisfy her.
As I grew up, I discovered that I was actually very handicapped. At work, I am cautious and afraid of making mistakes, afraid of management, afraid of authority and do not dare to object. I think my low self esteem, my humble limiting beliefs, earliest traces must be here.
I am eldest among my siblings, and my grades are better than everyone else's. My father cares a lot about my studies and, of course, gives me preference. I remember when I was accepted into high school, my father bought me a gold watch as a reward, which made my younger siblings envious and jealous, but I was very happy.
My father loves me very much, he was always proud of me, but at same time he placed his hopes on me. He said, "I am better than other younger sisters and younger brothers, so I should set a good example for my younger brothers and sisters." So, for as long as I can remember, before working and after marriage, I took initiative to take care of my younger siblings for my parents. I accept this as my responsibility. In eyes of my family, I really always did. Even if my own life is miserable, I will primarily worry about lives of my parents and brothers and sisters.
In examining original family, let me see origin and formation of private logic that I am responsible for original family. I received a lot of love from my parents and I have to repay and take initiative.
However, I thus neglected my resurrectionday family. Here I am incompetent. When I first got married, my husband initially supported me, together with me I did a lot for my younger brothers and sisters in my own family. However, at that time I had no idea that this was not part of our duties. I even think that if he marries me, he should endure it with me. And then our burden became heavier and heavier, placed on my resurrected family, and my husband and I had more and more disagreements… Because I was too supportive of my younger siblings, I felt in my heart that I am indebted to my husband.
So, in face of my husband's accusation, I chose to endure him, maybe because of guilt I even felt humiliated. I seem to see image of humble "I" between my mother and grandmother again when I was a child.
I am grateful to my parents, although I was taught to respect elders and not disobey them. Because I see difficulty of my parents. But I have not forgiven my grandmother's dominance, and her oppression of my mother for a long time. After I got married, I couldn't get along with my mother-in-law either. I warned myself: I should not be overwhelmed by my mother-in-law like my mother. I have an instinctive confrontation with my mother-in-law. When I look at my mother-in-law, I naturally think about how my mother and grandmother get along. I, in turn, "oppressed" my mother-in-law so that she would become more careful living with us.
After my studies, I realized impact of how I get along with my mother-in-law and how my mother and grandmother get along in my birth family.
While researching my original family, I found root of some of my current life patterns, and I also realized, "Oh, so I did it for a reason."
I also remember what teacher told us at time: let's learn to investigate our family of origin, not blame our parents. Instead, we should thank them for giving us life with a grateful heart; in an era where material resources were limited at time, they allowed us to grow up with enough food and clothing; we should also be grateful for spiritual support and encouragement. they once gave us. As for these things that seem to have a negative effect on us, now that we are adults, we have ability to change that. So live with awareness and awareness and change happens in blink of an eye.
So first thing I need to do is draw a clear line with original family and separate items: what is my subject, what is subject of my younger siblings and subject of my parents, I will also return them.
When I no longer take care of my original family as a responsibility, I don't feel like "I have to take care of my younger siblings". They are all grown up, they have their own lives, and they are ones who should be responsible for them. So, I'm no longer worried about my little brother getting a girlfriend for my parents, and I'm no longer worried aboutthat couple is always fighting over my sister. My little niece is going to study in city, I can help her, but I can’t. Don’t blame yourself ... Dad “trusted me” things, in process I gradually let go of his invisible kidnapping me.
The problem between mother and grandmother is my mother's problem, and I cannot replace her to reconcile. Therefore, "humility" that emanated from him gradually disappeared moment I realized it.
Because I was released from my original family, I began to work hard with my second family. I was more grateful for my husband's support. When I started paying for my small family, my husband's complaints were also Less, more support and understanding. Naturally, family atmosphere gradually improved.
In process of learning about original family, learning about my own growth mode and habit mode, I also realized that this is also very important for my daughter's upbringing and growth, because my reborn family is my daughter's birth family. I hope that when my daughter mentions influence of her birth family on her in future, there will be more positive things!
Studying original family, what you experienced is not important, what matters is how you interpret it, how you use it and convert it.