In that era, and in a family where boys preferred girls, my mother bore me two younger sisters and three daughters. My father was a rural worker and part-time electrician, so he was too busy at home all day. I met my very capable and strong grandmother again. In my memory, my grandmother always blamed and put down my mother for no reason, so she never once put a good face on her. As for my mother, she just blindly, submissively endured and never resisted. All dirty work in house falls on mother alone. I always felt that my mother was too weak to be bullied by swallowing her anger and working hard. I think that her life is too modest, unhappy, offended, painful, not understood, not respected, not visible, not recognized.
As a child, I wanted to be a boy. I tried my best to help my mother do things and help my mother bear pressure from my grandmother. At that time I did not like my grandmother and was afraid of her.
Long ago, my daughter and I talked about my birth family, my mother and her grandmother.
"But Mom, I don't think Grandma is humble and weak, on contrary, I think Grandma is great, strong and tenacious, and she uses her way to protect stability of your family."
"How do you say that?" I was surprised that my daughter understands her grandmother in a completely different way than I do. Is my knowledge wrong? These were limiting beliefs I formed from a young age that limited my way of thinking and my general consciousness.
"You want her to quarrel with your grandmother? Grandpa is busy with his work and cannot take care of family. What will happen if grandmother and mother-in-law continue to quarrel?"
"She is a mother and she must protect her children. It is through hard work and protection from a grandmother that your three daughters can grow up healthy."
"As a daughter-in-law, she must respect her mother-in-law. At this time, she fulfills her duty as a daughter-in-law."
"As mistress of family, grandma has a greater sense of responsibility than grandpa because grandpa has a lot to do."
"There's so much farm work at home that I have to rely on my grandmother to handle it"
"Your grandmother has such a long life (90+), I'm afraid you can't do without your grandmother's care."
"You have so many brothers and sisters, (when I was twelve years old, my mother gave birth to two younger brothers, five brothers and sisters in total) all grew up healthy, isn't it not easy"
"I think grandma is backbone of family!"
"Besides, Mom, I think that your childhood should be considered happy. I saw your photos in your youth. You were so plump that it says that you eat well and look good; besides, in a large As a family, you read most books, and that's a very good thing, right."
I was wondering when my daughter had such a "full" view of things, or was it limited only by my grandmother. Because she always loved her grandmother very much and considered her grandmother to be bestthe best person in world. She treated all references to her grandmother with great respect.
I've also wondered: for decades, my understanding of my mother has not been as objective and comprehensive as my teenage daughter's occasional visits to her hometown and her brief time with her grandmother.
It turned out that I had impression of a submissive and submissive mother who used her grievances to take care of whole family! Her image suddenly became high and indestructible in my mind.
Actually, I'm not sure that an illiterate mother was guided by her daughter's thoughts for most of her life, but judging by results: mother really supported stability and development of whole family with her actions!
I suddenly remembered a phrase that my mother often said: I will let your grandmother go, I will not quarrel with her, I will not be as knowledgeable as she is!
It turns out that my illiterate mother, who does not speak well, always had such a big drawing!
However, if my mother never lived a "modest" life, then where did I get my "inferiority, timidity, fear of getting into trouble and self-doubt"? Is it just my perception of my mother? As an adult, am I still being controlled by my inner childish thought patterns? If so, if I get to know my mother again and change my perception of her, can I break my limiting beliefs about "inferiority and cowardice"? I'm trying to understand and digest it. This is point of teaching study of family of origin.
Or is it because grandmother's daughter's cognitive assessment is not objective enough? So she gave "perfect" praise to her current positive state? However, judging by overall results, it seems that daughter's statement cannot be refuted.
I think my mind is a bit confused and I need to think about this question.
At that moment, my mother rang: “Today is girl’s birthday, her grandmother wants to wish her a happy birthday!” I gave phone to my daughter, and old and young chatted happily. After chatting for a while, I suddenly had a feeling: connection between daughter and grandmother is very good!
I was worried about intergenerational heredity because I thought my mother was cowardly and modest, and then I too was timid and handicapped. Could my daughter also be weak? The truth is that daughter was not influenced by her mother in this regard. So, I remembered what my teacher said: “In order to study family of origin, what you have experienced is not important, what is important is how you interpret it!”