Baby Diary

In my memory, my grandmother was always very domineering and domineering, and she was patriarchal, because my mother gave birth to me first of two sisters and three daughters (it took many years to give birth to two brothers). She is even more critical, blaming and repressing her mother. And mother, always humble, swallowed her anger as if it were her fault that she had a daughter and not a son.

I think my mother is very modest. I think she does not resist because she is afraid of her grandmother. I was very upset, I wanted to help my mother with business, to share burden for her, to support her. However, I am also very afraid of my grandmother. I had no other choice but to do everything silently, thinking that if I did everything well, I would be less scolded, less scolded by my grandmother and less disturbed by my mother. However, it was difficult to satisfy her. I think my low self esteem, my humble limiting beliefs, earliest traces must be here.

When we were little, my grandmother was very strict with us, and there were practically no things that we could decide on our own. If there is a slight deviation, she will definitely scold people. I remember when I was in elementary school, my classmates who were close to each other made appointments to stay at each other's houses. We were stipulated that we could not visit classmates or invite them to our home. When teacher came home, grandma wouldn't let us accompany her, so she had to go to work.

Deep down, especially when I was a child, I thought I hated my grandmother, but I didn't dare to rebel against her, so I had to obey her. As I said in a previous article, my father actually treated me very well and also made decisions in family. However, because he is too busy and dad is very caring towards grandma, dad rarely participates in grandma's abuse. In our large family, grandmother is like queen mother in power, she is responsible for logistics of family. She also tried many times to prevent me from going to school, but fortunately she cannot resolve this issue and she has to obey my father.

As I got older, I gradually discovered a different side of my grandmother. There is a road leading to market in front of my house, where many people pass every day. There is a well by road, and those who are thirsty on road will bend down to draw water from well for drinking. So, to make it more convenient for passers-by to drink water, grandmother put a bowl at well, and since then passers-by took water for drinking. Sometimes bowl would disappear and Grandma would put another one in past. Later, grandmother asked us to boil a large bowl of boiling water every day, put mint in it to make tea and send it to well so that people on road could drink boiled water again, and not cold.

I heard that my grandmother was brought from Chongqing by my grandfather, who traveled all over world. When I was little, my grandmother was beautiful and capable. Even though she doesn'tliterate but eloquent, and no one dares to intimidate her. Moreover, she taught women in two production teams next to us to weave straw hats. Straw hats can be used to protect from sun when doing agricultural work at home, and can also be sold in market. Money to replenish family. Many people only think of knitting, but don't pay much attention to quality of straw hats. Grandmother was never afraid of trouble. Her straw hats have many shoots and are most beautiful in appearance, and she is also fast. I heard that she was in "We are very famous at local level."

In addition to weaving straw hats, Grandma knows how to make a lot of delicious things. In that era of material scarcity, food was limited, but she could make all kinds of snacks in many different ways: using water soaked in straw ash to make a "dirty water cake" and orange leaves to make a "pie." , use Tongzi tree leaves to make "Tongziba", use Gorgon powder to make "Lubaer", use sauerkraut to make fake fish spices... At time when agricultural season has come to countryside, work force of production team would be invited to help harvest at home. I was very impressed. A lot of people are willing to come to our house to help, because they will basically eat better if they come to our house to help, not to say how good there will be dishes, but same thing, my grandmother will cook different dishes and taste very tasty, and at night, or when harvest is over and helpers go home, grandmother will bring them daddy's cakes, which they have left in advance, and ask them to take them back to eat for kids at home.

In addition, Grandma is also very enthusiastic about helping people. At that time, I had a feeling that if people had difficulties, they would come to my father on business, and if it was a personal matter or something related to women in house, they would come to my grandmother for help. . She seems to be able to do everything, and nothing can embarrass her. Since childhood, I knew that in our area of ​​Shili-Bakun there is no one who would not know her.

With age, although my understanding of my grandmother has changed, I still have an intuition that she does not like me. Her attitude towards me is different from attitude towards my second and third sisters. She doesn't like me. even I think she hates me. It seemed to me that I hated her as a child, and she hated me too.

When I returned to my hometown during Chinese New Year last year and chatted with my father, I deliberately expressed my doubts: why doesn't my grandmother like me? Dad said to me: Firstly, my grandmother prefers sons to daughters, she does not love me as an elder and a daughter. Secondly, my little aunt is only three years older than me. She grew up with me. She got a job working in a factory until her first year of high school. But I have been readingmore books than my aunt. jealous. . So, she always wants to stop me from studying and asks me to help family with a job or get married early so that I don't waste family's money and I can find someone who will come back to help with job. . In addition, since I was under influence of my mother since childhood, I never took initiative to please her old man, and sometimes even made a face in protest. Dad also said that in fact grandmother is very capable, very friendly to villagers, ready to help others, and at same time very strong, no one is allowed to bully our family. People from all over world respect her and are very afraid. If difficulties arise, she will take initiative and ask for help from her elders.

It turns out that grandmother is just such a person. Patriarchy was collective subconscious of that era, I also remember when I was a child, my grandfather passed away early, and there were nine people in my family (three aunts, three sisters, grandmother, mother and father), and my father was only male. I heard from my father that if my grandmother had not been so powerful, our family might have been gossiped about in village. Grandma really has a hard time being kind to others and at same time not letting others bully us. At home, grandmother is fierce and strict. Outwardly, grandmother is definitely "guarding calf" ...

From childhood to adulthood, I did not love my grandmother, just as she did not love me. I grew up with this belief, and now, from a holistic point of view, for whole family, a grandmother is great, wise, loving and not ruthless. As for her objection to my studies, I suddenly realized that she loves her little daughter, my little aunt, and hopes that she will study more, but family burden was too heavy at that time, so she had to let her aunt join factory. Now that I am also a mother, I can naturally understand this. In addition, judging by her friendly attitude towards passers-by and fellow villagers, grandmother can be called a caring person, and not only do I respect her old man a little more.

Ever since I started learning about my birth family, I tried to reconcile with my grandmother, until I talked to my father about my grandmother's past, I finally felt relieved - my perception of my grandmother is biased, compared to For grievances I suffered, my grandmother did too many things that I couldn't think of. At same time, I also understand her attitude towards me at that time. Although it is a little unfair, I think so, but my grandmother passed away a few years ago, and I also need to be released. At same time, I also thought that grandma has a lot of people, she is extremely smart and can accommodate so many people and things, so how can she take care of me, my granddaughter, so we can regard this as reconciliation. I would also like to thank my grandmother for her hard work for whole family during those years. Grandma, you worked hard!

(End of this article series)