Since I started studying psychology, I have tried to explore my past, process of forming my limiting beliefs, my original family, conditions of young me in original family and lifestyle.
I still remember when I was very young I saw my aunt wearing a pair of leather shoes so I really wanted to have a pair of small leather shoes for myself but I never figured it out and it became a part of of my dream. : When I grow up When I grow up, I will first buy myself a pair of leather shoes, very black and shiny, with heels.
I still remember that when I was a kid, I had an endless job. Neighborly children could go to other people's houses to play, or they could go hide and seek in yard. Where to go will be more difficult to find. I especially envy these little friends and I don't understand: how could their parents agree that their children go to play?
When I was young, I went with guys to one village to mow boar grass, they all dared to cut vegetables from other people's fields, but I never dared. Because if I cut it off, my family will force me to give it back to others, and I will have to apologize.
In our original family, it is not allowed to be rude. It is necessary to obey and obey elders. It is not allowed to talk loudly with elders, it is not allowed to offend elders. A child in a neighboring family dared to contradict his parents, I was afraid for him, I thought that it was his fault.
Because I couldn't repeat text I just learned, my father scolded me loudly. I was very sad, and I kept repeating it, crying, until I finished.
I still remember that little me, I just want to work fast every day so I can go play or do whatever I want to do after work, but there's always endless work to do; I always want to do a job. Well, I want to satisfy my family and parents, but it seems that I can't always do it well, and I can't satisfy their demands. The little me, careful and busy with silence, has always been deep in my memories.
I once traveled through time and space to find her.
I was wearing leather shoes, very black and shiny, with heels. I opened door and went in, and in corner I saw a girl. She curled up there, hugging her knees, looking at me.
I squatted down and held out my hand and told her that I was here to help her, help her finish her work, and then I would take her out to play. She looked at me with horror and said that she did not dare to go, otherwise she would be scolded. I picked her up and went to look for her basket. We pulled out a lot of weeds and vegetables and filled basket. We went home and cleaned yard together, filled kitchen with dry firewood for tomorrow, prepared food for piglets, chickens and ducks, filled tanks with water, and then went to village to feed younger ones. brothers and sisters, come back and watch them.
It wasn't dark yet, and we were all done. I asked her what she wants to do rest of time? She said xShe wants to play hide-and-seek with her friends and then said no, she still wants to do her homework first if she has time. I said, I will stay at home with you, I will take younger brothers and sisters to hide and seek, and then we will do our homework. In evening, when Papa returned, she took initiative to check Papa's homework and recited a new text. Papa praised her and said that of few sisters, she was most intelligent. In words, dad placed all his hopes on her.
She was very happy that day, chatting incessantly and always smiling sweetly. She said she didn't dare to laugh at usual time and didn't seem to have anything in particular to be happy about.
I told her that I would give her a pair of leather shoes, she looked at me in surprise, and then looked at leather shoes on my feet: "Are these leather shoes?" I said yes. "How did you know I wanted a pair of leather shoes? Who are you? How do you know I'm here? How do you all know here?" Until now, she seemed to be oblivious to my presence.
I squatted down again and hugged her tightly, she was too weak. However, she has to do so many things every day! It's amazing how much she can do every day!
"I am person who knows you best and understands you best. You have worked hard! You are so sensible, considerate of your parents, take care of your younger siblings and study hard. Once you finish your leather shoes, you will do business, what you want to do and your free time, you can also play with your good friends, you can also travel everywhere, you can listen to your own voice and arrange your own life!"
"Really? Is that possible? Is that good?" Her eyes shone, full of longing and hope.
"Yes, you forgot, I'm one who knows you best and understands you best!", I answered definitely.
"I trust you!" she said with a smile. Firm and persistent.