I recently read Nonviolent Communication again and gained new knowledge and experience. For example, regarding growth of emotions, author Marshall said that "in process of growing up to emotional freedom, we usually go through three stages"
Stage 1. Emotional slave. We think we are responsible for feelings of others.
At this stage, we feel we are responsible for feelings of others, we should continually strive to make everyone happy, if others are unhappy, we feel uncomfortable, and feel responsible to do something about it. What . As a result, we tend to view loved ones as a burden. (Before learning, we can all have this behavior, but it is quite possible to be in a state of ignorance)
Recalling my daughter's performances from childhood to adulthood, I suddenly feel like my daughter has always been responsible for her mother's feelings. As soon as I see that my mother is unhappy, I want to make my mother happy: “Mom, smile, mom, smile!” “Mom, eat a pistachio and you will be happy,” my daughter always tries to please me. At that time, I thought that my daughter was my lucky fetus. She was reasonable and considerate, and her life was very tiring and stressful. With steaming milk, I waited for me to appear at gates of community alone, if my father would not let her out and asked her to sleep, even if she was lying on bed, she waited for sound of key to open door with her ears up, and then quietly ran out with words "mom is back, I'm so worried about you!"; all holidays associated with me, I can receive gifts prepared by my daughter with great care... I have allergies and I often feel irritable due to allergies, and my daughter always takes initiative to apply ointment to me carefully, Never don't complain about anything... "I wish mom to be happy every day!"
To this day, I seem to immediately understand that since then my unstable emotions may have become a burden to my daughter, and she always tries to please me. But she herself became a slave to her emotions through ignorance. We just don't know it.
Step 2: Disgusting - We refuse to consider feelings and needs of others.
At this stage, we discover that taking responsibility for feelings of others and sacrificing ourselves to make them better will cost us dearly. Thinking that we suppress countless needs and rarely act on our inner calling, we can become angry. We call this stage “hated face” stage. During this time, when we are confronted with pain of others, we are especially prone to give annoying responses, such as: “This is your problem, and I am not responsible for your feelings.
My daughter also told me recently, "When I was little, I always told my mother to smile. I always hoped my mother would be happy and always wanted to do something to make her happy. But now I I don't want to. If you do it, it's yoursIt doesn't matter that you're unhappy, and that has nothing to do with me."
About my daughter applying ointment to me, my daughter suddenly said to me one day: "Did you know that when you have allergies, you are always irritable and irritable, and you are in a bad mood, which is very scary." It made me feel very embarrassed, and when I applied medicine to you, I tried my best to endure it." It turned out that child harmed himself to help his mother.
I used to feel sad and sad because of what my daughter said.
However, today, after reading this again, I suddenly brightened up, and my mood suddenly improved. My daughter is growing from "emotional slave" to "hating face"! She dares to express her needs at risk of offending others. As author Marshall mentioned, at this stage we will be aware of our needs, but may still feel fear and shame that we have needs. We need to encourage ourselves to express our needs. I am so happy that my daughter dared to make herself known, and I even wanted to celebrate with a glass of red wine.
At same time, I also tried to make her understand that sincerity is a more valuable gift than striving for perfection. I also showed her how she can empathize with people when they are angry without taking responsibility for their feelings.
Of course, she still needs to continue learning to respect needs of others while expressing her own needs. But I think it's just a matter of time.
As for me, at first I loved my husband so much, but after I got married, I began to complain about my husband and about dissatisfaction with his family because of various little things, because of which I became like a captured beast, always attacked my husband whenever I had opportunity to attack. I think I was "hated" in those days too.
Stage 3: Emotional responsibility. We take full responsibility for our feelings, realizing that our own needs cannot be met at expense of well-being of others.
At this stage, we no longer respond to needs of others out of fear, shame, or guilt, but give each other out of compassion and love from within. We are no longer responsible for feelings of others, but we are fully responsible for our own desires, feelings and actions. At same time, we also understand that we can never truly meet our needs at expense of others. Nonviolent communication helps us express ourselves clearly and care about others equally, thereby achieving our emotional freedom and connection with others.
Now, thanks to my studies, it's more about compassion and love. I see my husband's contribution to family and also understand his feelings and needs. At same time, I can express my needs to him. In addition, accepting his feedback and being open to them has greatly improved our intimacy.
Same withmy daughter, I am fully responsible for my own desires, feelings and actions, and I fully accept my daughter for who she is, regardless of her grades, studies or external indicators, simply because she is my daughter, I love her on for rest of your life, that's enough.