Parents who have a child with depression may find it difficult to accompany a child. We do our best to meet various needs of child or for good of child, but we do not get a good word from parents. child. In fact, maybe we never thought about whether our words and deeds meet children's needs, whether our own desire for control is satisfied, and can they really help children?
In any case, before I started studying, I stepped on countless pitfalls when I was with my depressed daughter.
(1) About shopping: go out happy and come home angry
A year ago, my daughter was not in best condition, and I was also extremely anxious. One day I was shopping with my daughter and she was going to try on various 2D costumes (Lolita clothes/JK/cosPlay and like). At time, I wasn't in mood to accompany her to fitting. I only take her out because she's in a bad mood and worried about her safety, stay with her, watch her, make sure she's safe, and try to make her as happy as I can, like eating what she likes . In addition, I also find such clothes too unusual and strange, and I cannot allow my children to walk around in such clothes. So I objected, refused to accompany her to try it on, and of course we were both unhappy at end.
Later (about six months after I joined study), we wandered back there again, and my daughter frankly told me:
"Mom, do you know how I felt when you didn't let me try on clothes like Lolita?"
"I don't feel like I deserve this, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve these clothes."
My heart suddenly trembled: I don't deserve this! My reluctance to go shopping with my daughter and my personal cognitive problems successfully cultivated in her a sense of unworthiness. At that moment, I really regretted it. Hearing hurt in my daughter's words made me realize how much harm I had done to her - While I was thinking about helping her get well, I kept hurting her unconsciously.
I immediately and sincerely apologize to my daughter:
"I'm sorry, baby, Mom didn't expect this incident to cause you such serious harm."
"Mom asks child to forgive me, and I hope that child will give mom a chance to make up"
The daughter replied: "I can't catch up, offense is still very heavy"
I held my daughter's hand, apologizing and pleading at same time, feeling a little sloppy: baby is best, baby has a lot of adults, how about giving mom a chance to atone for her sins... (Parent-child relationship between me and my daughter is now very harmonious, so it is much easier to communicate.)
"Okay, anyway, I'm in a good mood today, so I'll give you a chance."
Next we went to different clothing stores. This time I accompanied her to try on all clothes she wanted to try on and also gave her my feedback on clothes (unbiased statements, expressing my opinion - just my opinion and feelings. This daughter is acceptable. She can say that I am old-fashioned , or that I've made progress, etc.) My daughter was happy all day, and I was happy too. until she gets tired. In end, she didn't buy a single item - she said she just wanted to try it on to see if she could wear it and if it looked good, and also asked price and said she would compare it online. .. Finally, of course, there was food blessing. When we got home, my daughter said to me: Grievances are gone, forgive boring mother before.
Here I want to say that I am very grateful to have participated in study, and I have an understanding of feelings of unworthiness, knowing that this will cause inferiority in children and affect their self-confidence; mistakes are also right attitude (before I knew, I could not accept my daughter’s accusations against me and object), so now I accept my daughter’s criticism, admit my mistakes, sincerely apologize, ask for compensation and reconciliation, and my daughter finds ways solving problems together, moreover, I also accept something new for me - two-dimensional, what children are passionate about, and this turns out to be very interesting.
I also sincerely thank my children for giving me opportunity to reconcile and grow up.
(2) Regarding clothes: there is a saying "Mom thinks I'll be cold"
We often think arrogantly: we need to wear more clothes when it's cold, what clothes to wear anyway, but there are conflicts with children here too.
I remember one morning it was quite cold. My daughter came out to do laundry in a plaid shirt, so I just said it looked nice. The daughter happily said, "I'm so glad my mom didn't grumble that I can't wear this, it'll be cold or it won't fit." This shows that we often got into trouble because of this problem.
One day we gleefully said we were going to go play, but our daughter came out wearing JK and fleece tights on her legs. Just after Spring Festival, weather is still quite cold.
I immediately said: "This is not good, it will be cold."
My daughter was momentarily upset: "I'm not going", then changed into home clothes and started playing with her mobile phone.
I feel unreasonable: "It's just a phrase, what are you doing? I'm not worried that you're cold."
"I got courage to wear a skirt. You don't know anything, so just say no", said daughter angrily
"I will never wear a skirt again"
"Look, it rained last night and weather wasn't great this morning. If it's cold outside, I won't be happy," I tried to explain.
"I'm not happy now, why go out?"
"Self-righteous", my daughter said angrily, then ignored me.
The result will definitely not disappear
After incident, my daughter and I discussed it again, she said she checked weather forecast and read temperature report before putting on her skirt. I said, then you can tell me.
"Whoever tells you to say 'no' wants to talk to you." My daughter immediately snapped at me.
"I found your parents have a common problem. You say it's cold, we're cold, you say it's hungry, we're hungry, you say it's delicious, we want it. Don't you ?strange?” my daughter told me with a contemptuous expression.
I feel hurt and angry.
At same time, I did not think about feelings of child at all.
(3) About sports: I only move when I feel like it
Probably, year before last, my daughter's condition was very bad. I listened to what doctors and psychologists had to say and added what I think I learned from books: Exercise helps us kids a lot, and they can release dopamine, especially running.
There is a gym near my house, at that time I asked my children to go for a run with me to gym every morning. I ask you to run at least 3 laps every day, at any speed. At first, child still walked and ran. But after a few days, she stopped running, either she didn’t go to gym, or she didn’t run, or she simply walked weakly along path. She simply sat on edge of podium with her head down and pulled hood of her coat up to cover her head. like a statue. Faced with this silent protest, I feel angry and hopeless. I ran and pulled her, tried to pick her up, made her run. However, she remained motionless. In end, I ran 4 laps alone, tears streaming down my face, and I splashed out all my emotions until I could no longer run. I also sat down and looked at my daughter, who was sitting with her head buried, I felt powerless and hopeless, and it seemed to me that I was about to suffocate ...
(I still see only my sadness, my emotions and completely ignore my daughter's feelings at that moment. I wasn't studying at time and didn't have that awareness at all .)< /p>
Our run plan, no, my run plan was interrupted. Later I tried to lead her to play ball, jump rope... In end it didn't work. I'll have to stick with it.
Until second half of last year, my daughter told me several times that she wanted to ride a bike as a sport. At that time, I thought that cycling could not achieve effect of exercise, so I was not very supportive. Later, I also heard in a lecture on public welfare that children can play sports, including cycling. Unexpectedly, after Ior accompany her to ride a bike, we all fell in love with uncontrolled cycling. From several kilometers to challenging over 30 km bike rides, child loved it and I was very happy too. . In addition, we often use this campaign to find all kinds of gourmet snacks in Chengdu, which gives us great pleasure.
Later, as our relationship improved, one day my daughter told me, that she hated running because of my obsession at time, and she didn't want to run any more. At same time, I also hated "dopamine" because I didn't dare to confront me either verbally or physically at time, and in end I was disgusted to point of nausea, which even caused stomach pain. and pain in stomach. "Give others what you don't want to do yourself," my daughter summed up my behavior in one sentence.
To be continued.