Does your child hate relatives? Revert old accounts? Arrange tantrums and pester?
For example, he said that it was his parents who asked him to go to prep school at beginning, which made him too stressed and unable to bear it, leading to his current state of depression and suspension from school; for example, a child said she was isolated and ridiculed at school and couldn't stay. Sometimes her parents forced her to go to school and let her suffer no matter how she felt, for example, he said that parents kept yelling and beating and scolding him to discipline him, but he was angry in his heart but didn't dare to speak.. Temperament of hitting things, attacking parents, such as children look down on their parents, blame their parents, complain about their parents, but rely on their parents and parents can not do without? ...
So, what should parents do in face of children's angry accusations?
Some parents said they should admit their mistakes and apologize to their children?
But some parents objected: why do I apologize, I provide him with food, housing, clothing and entertainment, where did I go wrong? Why do you say it's parents' fault?
If a parent says this, just listen to him and everything will be fine when he finishes talking
But some parents said: listening is not enough, he will continue to pester you, asking you to answer in different ways, even if it does not suit him, you still have to answer.
Based on parents' suggestions and my experience of accompanying my daughter, I think I can support parents and their children in following ways.
1. Parents can decide in advance whether a child needs professional medical support or psychological counseling based on child's academic performance and response.
2. Through education, parents learn to accept their children's emotions, pick up on their children's emotional outbursts, support their children's depression, empathize with their children's feelings, listen to their children, and help them express their emotions.
3. See needs behind child's emotions and provide reasonable support and gratification to best of your ability.
4. If parents themselves are in a state of decline, impotence and helplessness and are not able to support their children, then return attention to yourself, pay attention first of all to yourself and see your own emotions: “I am angry and feel awkward. Anxiety, why am I angry and worried? What do I want? What can I do to satisfy myself?", and don't let anxiety Fear pass to children.
5. In face of childhood confusion and hatred towards relatives, if parents feel their own emotions, they can openly express their anger to their children, and not be angry at themselves!
Let's take a child flipping through old accounts as an example:
The child screamed: At that time I was isolated and ridiculed at school, and I could no longer stay. You still made me go to school. You did not consider my feelings at all, and you do not love me at all.
Parents: Baby, mom is so sad when I hear you say that you were isolated and laughed at at school, and she loves my child so much. How lonely you must have been, how miserable, how much you needed your parents. But you cannot get understanding and support of your parents, you must be very disappointed and helpless. Baby, mom wants to apologize to you because mom didn't stand by you when you needed your mom most. I'm sorry baby (Tell child how he feels, look at child! Sincerely apologize to child once)
The child roared: What's point of saying that now? What I am now is caused by you!
Parents: Yes, mom and dad are responsible. In past, mom and dad did not understand and could not understand child, so they allowed child to give birth so much alone. From now on mom must love me baby and protect my baby. (Try hugging child, if child does not resist, hug child tightly)
Baby can cry if you can, just hold him like this and let him cry until he stops crying on his own. (At this time, do not say anything to child: okay, stop crying, let's stop crying. Do not rush to calm child's emotions, but let child's emotions flow and flow out.)
The child may also refuse to be hugged, continue to fight, distrust parents, and parents must accept and allow. Who said that as soon as you apologize, child should forgive you.
Parents: You don't trust your mom right now, and my mom understands. Do you think it's good? What do you want your mom to do in future? How can she support you? Could you tell me? We can also discuss and discuss
Children: I want you to listen to me, you should listen to everything I say
Parents should not rush to refuse and interrupt at this time, you should know one thing: most important thing for you now is to restore parent-child relationship with your child! ! What child is saying at moment is just a way of expressing his emotions. Parents should not feel that their children are manipulating them.
Parents: My child wants my mother to listen to you, um, let's hear, for example, what does my child want my mother to listen to my child? If baby wants to eat braised pork, then mom will cook braised pork, if baby wants to order takeaway, order takeaway, if baby wants to go to store, go to store, no problem, mom will listen to child...
If a child makes unreasonable demands, for example, to take revenge on a teacher or classmates, do not argue with child, we do not agree with his thoughts and behavior, but we mustus to see his ass. through child's thinking Real needs - he needs support and love of his parents, he needs to live in peace and harmony with his teachers and classmates. Parents can express this to their children and check with children. Understand child, don't reject it. "When a child's emotions are allowed, seen, named and expressed, this is a process of mentalization and child does not need to express them with actions!"
Watch child's emotions, feel his feelings, communicate with child, don't judge, don't criticize, don't blame, don't complain...
Communicating with children, we can understand real needs behind children's emotions, but we only need attention, understanding and love of parents! This is not something unreasonable, as parents think!
At same time, parents should clearly understand that mood swings in children reflect only present, and not forever or always. Therefore, do not extend current anxiety and anxiety into future.
If a mom is low on energy and can't really do anything, facing child's accusations and upsetting old scores, then you just listen, it's okay to listen! Again, no condemnation, no criticism, no accusations, no complaints! "Don't do anything, just be there!" There is a phrase in book Nonviolent Communication when it describes empathic listening.
If you find that your emotions are also coming, and you may have conflicts with your children, then you can temporarily leave stage! Calm down first! Look at how you just felt: Am I angry and anxious? Why? what I need now I need to calm down first so as not to aggravate conflict and not destroy parent-child relationship! ! Try to breathe deeply, calm down, slow down. Or be able to empathize with child's feelings and have more understanding of child.
The parents of these children who accompany us are thinking about how to save children, how to help children get out of it as soon as possible, return to normal life, and then go all way to sun. We all overlooked a very important point: reason why a child is like this is not a matter of a day or two, it can be result of many years of accumulation, so if you want your child to recover, you must also be mentally prepared, it is impossible to recover it will take half a month, but it may take longer to help child recover. "Don't schedule time!" can help parents let go of their expectations and reduce anxiety.